Confession of a "Missionary"

Ok, so something has been bugging me ever since I found out I was supposed to be a missionary. I grew up reading biography's of amazing men and women of God. People like George Mueller, Amy Carmichael, Mother Theresa and Hudson Taylor. Those people were MISSIONARIES! I am not those people!
If I were catholic those people would be like saints to me. I mean in my mind you become a missionary you automatically know stuff. You obviously never sin (or think about sinning) and never, ever doubt. Obedience to God should come naturally and if you are not out helping out the poor and downtrodden you are probably just chillin' in your prayer closet or memorizing Leviticus (because you already memorized all the "easy" books)
Maybe I'm the only person who thinks like that. Actually, I know I'm not but someone has to say something. We have to stop the insanity!
So anyway, here I am minding my own business serving God. And we are so cool like that. I'm all, "where you go I'll go what you say I'll say God. What you pray I'll pray" and then I hear "really?" and I say "I can't hear you right now, I'm worshipping you. Can you see me here worshipping? you really shouldn't..., you know..., interrupt" Then I wait a second thinking I've got him there. Because when God says "really?" you can't say no, but it can be so scary to say yes.  So I try to pretend like I never heard the question. You know? I think for a little while that maybe God forgot that I had even said I would go where he goes and say what he says. But it's always there. This sensation in my chest like my heart will explode whenever I hear about "missions". This bizarre sense of jealousy when I hear other missionaries talking about their experiences. The way my eyes want to cry when I see pictures of unloved and abandoned children. But deep down inside I know. I know that I'm not good enough to be a missionary. I mean, there are a million ways I can think of off the top of my head that make me a horrible choice as a missionary. I get jealous. I have been known to lose my temper. I'm terribly selfish, I really like long hot showers with good water pressure and while I'm being honest. It is REALLY hard to trust God. I mean it's the easiest thing to say, but I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten irritated with people because they tell me to trust God. When all I can see is the ocean in front of me and the army behind me, coming to bring me back to Egypt. What kind of missionary would I make?

Then I decide to try something new. I say yes. YES! I will be a missionary...some day. I mean, I just had a baby and Jose is loving what he's doing and we bought a house. I mean now is just NOT the time. But you know in a few years. When we are ready. Then we will be missionaries.
Of course as you may already know God had already been working on Jose's heart. He had his own conversations with God. So we talked about it. I was settled on it, and I was starting to want to be a missionary. But there was still that feeling in my chest that would tense up and the voice in my head saying "YOU ARE CRAZY!!!!!! WHAT are you thinking? What about the showers? What about your friends and family? what if you DIE?"

Years passed. Jose and I grew in our relationship with God. We went through some trials that helped us to learn about trusting God. We went through some times of intense discipleship. We got a lot of time working "in the kitchen" at our church. And then almost as if Jose and I had been listening to the same song and it was just coming to the crescendo we both knew. We needed to go and we needed to go now. So we talked to our pastor about it and he said to go visit. We flew out to Peru for 2 weeks and fell in love. When we came we thought ok, we will go get our checkmark that we went and then go back to our regularly scheduled lives. But no. We got here and we knew we needed to be here.

The next year was spent preparing. Raising support. Getting rid of stuff. Trying to get ready to come back. We said to good bye, to family, friends, our church, and our water pressure. Then we boarded a plane and we went, this time it was to stay.

So now we are here. We live in Peru. I obeyed. I'm a "missionary". But, I still don't feel like a missionary. I'm still selfish, I still get angry and jealous. I still miss my shower. I don't have the bible memorized and I struggle to spend enough time in prayer. Obedience and trusting God still don't come naturally. I often freak out because I don't know what God is planning and it seems like he will never tell me. When I hear the term "missionary" in my head the definition is "perfect christian, self sacrificing, never does anything wrong because they are too busy serving the Lord to mess up." When in reality a missionary is really nothing more than a christian. Someone who loves God. Trying to work out their salvation just like any other christian. I'm still not "good enough" to be a missionary. I'm not good enough to be a christian either. Nothing I do will make me good enough. But that's not the point. Nothing any of those other missionaries did made them good enough either. They just had to make a choice. Every christian has a choice to make every day. Whether they are a Pastor, a missionary, a plumber, a stay at home mom or whatever. We have to choose to answer the call that God gives us. And let him be good enough. If I was good enough on my own I would not need God. But I NEED Him.  Everyday I'm reminded how much I need Him.

So my call is missionary. I'm almost used to being called that. Almost. What is your call? What is it that God is asking you to do that you can't do on your own? It might feel weird at first. It might not fit just right when you first try it on. But if you trust Him. If you are "confident that God, who began the good work in you will be faithful to continue the work until it is finally finished on the day that Jesus Christ comes" (Philippians 1:6) He will.