Faithful

Around here we have been reading George Mueller. I was talking to my Mentor a few weeks ago and asked her what she is reading and she said "you know what? I'll send it to you" which sent little happy tingles up my spine because I love to read and books in english are not very common here. I waited (somewhat impatiently I admit) for the package and when it finally arrived it had a the biography of George Mueller in it. To be exact it had the exact one I read when I was a kid. Nostalgically I looked at the cover as Jose was reading because he jacked it from me. ;) But it's ok, I'm reading it now.
It's hard to imagine what it was like for him. His operating costs were about $400 a day and he never asked anyone for money. Only God. He never took matters into his own hands and got a second job he just relied completely on God. Now, I knew that. I had read it and it inspired me when I was 18 and single preparing to go to Russia. I worked hard to save money and told people what I was doing but I never asked anyone to give me money for the trip (as far as I can remember that was a long time ago) I enjoyed the adventure of it and the feeling of what I thought was total reliance on God. But in reality, if I had run out of money or had an emergency I wouldn't have called on God. I would have called on mom and dad. That was the real extent of my faith at that time. I knew that nothing would happen out of my control because my parents were there to help if I needed it.
Now it's 10 years later and I'm a missionary again. This time I'm not single. Now I'm a mom. And this whole living on faith thing is hard. When you are relying on a physical person you pick up the phone, hear their voice, tell them your problem and listen to their audible answer. When you are relying on an invisible God it doesn't work like that. Getting in touch with him is much easier. He never misses your call actually. But hearing the audible answer or seeing the results of your call for help are a little harder most of the time. It exposes you. You realize that maybe you aren't as full of faith as you thought you were. So that's where I am. Struggling to show myself faithful. Faithful to trust in God even when I think there will never be an answer to my call. Faithful to continue running to him when I have a problem instead of running to someone I can see/feel/hear. Just faithful.  
I want to be that person. The faithful, doubtless Christian.

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy. Yes, you should rejoice, and I will share your joy. Philippians 2:14-18