In my life there have been certain lessons I've learned more than once. Or maybe I never learned and I keep going through the situations in order to learn the lessons for real. Growing up I thought I had a lot of self confidence.
I never really worried about my looks that I remember and thought I was pretty secure. But somehow along the way I lost that and became incredibly insecure.
A friends younger brother told me I laughed weird so I tried to change my laugh (impossible to do unless you just never actually laugh)
Someone made fun of the way I scrunched my nose when I smiled so I tried to change my smile. I was made fun of for being short, the size of my hands and feet, my name, how I talked, how much I talked, how little I talked, being too emotional, not being emotional enough...the list goes on. Aside from that there were people who made me feel like my opinions...my voice had no value.
It was their way or nothing. There are situations where things are a matter of authority and there are others where it's mostly opinions.
I never really understood the difference and thought I had to conform to the people I was around, fit in like a little robotic carbon copy of everyone else or I would be rejected.
I remember when my sister was young her favorite things always matched exactly to her friends favorite things. Her favorite color, food, movie etc... changed depending on what friend she was around. One day she asked for "her favorite food" while a friend was over only to realize (once she ate it) that she hated that thing. I don't know really if that helped her recognize what she was doing. She was pretty young at the time. But I don't think she was even doing it on purpose. It was a message that the world sent out to us from a very young age. "Be just like everyone else or nobody will like you" That's why peer pressure is so effective.
What happened with me is I lost my identity.
I was afraid to stand up for myself even in tiny things.
If my opinion differed from someone else's I just kept it to myself "why rock the boat" I thought.
But really I told myself they wouldn't like me.
Once I accidentally admitted to a group of women that I didn't like a certain chick flick that had recently come out.
Suddenly everyone went silent and they just looked at me like I had 3 eyes.
I started to try to explain my position and then I lost my nerve.
They thought it was weird that I disagreed but they quickly moved on to something else.
(and surprise, surprise, they didn't stop being my friends.
which I really worried about for the rest of the day as I tried to mirror everything they liked)
Now if that's how I felt about movies imagine anything bigger.
I let people walk all over me and treat me like garbage.
People I thought of as close friends who really didn't value me at all.
There have always been people in my life who didn't see me or treat me that way but I wasn't listening to their voices or God. I was believing the lie that my value was dependent on what everyone thought of me. The voices that were the loudest always seemed to be the voices that tried to manipulate me or the voices of those who didn't like me.
When people would try to encourage me or say good things about me, I always thought. "yeah, you really don't know me." And to be perfectly honest I still have to fight those thoughts.
Changing your mindset isn't an overnight thing.
Why am I saying all this?
I believe that a lot of people feel that way. I think life and the enemy of our souls has attacked and beaten so many down that we all think "I am garbage" and "I am alone" we don't believe anyone else is going through it and because that's how we think we don't believe we can talk to anyone about it because they won't understand.
If you keep thinking you are alone. You will be.
You are more important than you think you are and you are exactly the way you are supposed to be. Every one of us has room to grow but that doesn't mean you have to like all the same movies as everyone else or eat the same kind of food or laugh more demurely or smile without scrunching your nose.
Most people have at least heard Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well."But if you keep reading verses 17 and 18 say a little bit more "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.They cannot be numbered!I can’t even count them;they outnumber the grains of sand!And when I wake up,you are still with me!"The beginning of the chapter talks about how He sees everything. He knows everything we do and everything about us. He didn't just make us exactly as He planned. Wonderful. But he thinks about us and we are precious to Him, even though we are not perfect. For me it shouldn't matter if everyone else in the world thinks I'm a weirdo or awkward. I really am a weirdo and awkward, so they are right, actually. But even so, God thinks I'm precious. He likes my weirdness. He made me to be that way. The way he feels about me is not dependent on if I like to eat at his favorite place or wear his favorite brand. He likes me because I’m me. He also brings people into my life that feel the same. They don’t care if we like the same things or have nothing in common. I (and maybe you too) just have to believe that the right people will stay no matter what I do and the wrong people will move on.
And that’s ok.
Really.
Theres something better out there. I’m tried of living in fear of rejection. are you?
I never really worried about my looks that I remember and thought I was pretty secure. But somehow along the way I lost that and became incredibly insecure.
A friends younger brother told me I laughed weird so I tried to change my laugh (impossible to do unless you just never actually laugh)
Someone made fun of the way I scrunched my nose when I smiled so I tried to change my smile. I was made fun of for being short, the size of my hands and feet, my name, how I talked, how much I talked, how little I talked, being too emotional, not being emotional enough...the list goes on. Aside from that there were people who made me feel like my opinions...my voice had no value.
It was their way or nothing. There are situations where things are a matter of authority and there are others where it's mostly opinions.
I never really understood the difference and thought I had to conform to the people I was around, fit in like a little robotic carbon copy of everyone else or I would be rejected.
I remember when my sister was young her favorite things always matched exactly to her friends favorite things. Her favorite color, food, movie etc... changed depending on what friend she was around. One day she asked for "her favorite food" while a friend was over only to realize (once she ate it) that she hated that thing. I don't know really if that helped her recognize what she was doing. She was pretty young at the time. But I don't think she was even doing it on purpose. It was a message that the world sent out to us from a very young age. "Be just like everyone else or nobody will like you" That's why peer pressure is so effective.
What happened with me is I lost my identity.
I was afraid to stand up for myself even in tiny things.
If my opinion differed from someone else's I just kept it to myself "why rock the boat" I thought.
But really I told myself they wouldn't like me.
Once I accidentally admitted to a group of women that I didn't like a certain chick flick that had recently come out.
Suddenly everyone went silent and they just looked at me like I had 3 eyes.
I started to try to explain my position and then I lost my nerve.
They thought it was weird that I disagreed but they quickly moved on to something else.
(and surprise, surprise, they didn't stop being my friends.
which I really worried about for the rest of the day as I tried to mirror everything they liked)
Now if that's how I felt about movies imagine anything bigger.
I let people walk all over me and treat me like garbage.
People I thought of as close friends who really didn't value me at all.
There have always been people in my life who didn't see me or treat me that way but I wasn't listening to their voices or God. I was believing the lie that my value was dependent on what everyone thought of me. The voices that were the loudest always seemed to be the voices that tried to manipulate me or the voices of those who didn't like me.
When people would try to encourage me or say good things about me, I always thought. "yeah, you really don't know me." And to be perfectly honest I still have to fight those thoughts.
Changing your mindset isn't an overnight thing.
Why am I saying all this?
I believe that a lot of people feel that way. I think life and the enemy of our souls has attacked and beaten so many down that we all think "I am garbage" and "I am alone" we don't believe anyone else is going through it and because that's how we think we don't believe we can talk to anyone about it because they won't understand.
If you keep thinking you are alone. You will be.
You are more important than you think you are and you are exactly the way you are supposed to be. Every one of us has room to grow but that doesn't mean you have to like all the same movies as everyone else or eat the same kind of food or laugh more demurely or smile without scrunching your nose.
Most people have at least heard Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well."But if you keep reading verses 17 and 18 say a little bit more "How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.They cannot be numbered!I can’t even count them;they outnumber the grains of sand!And when I wake up,you are still with me!"The beginning of the chapter talks about how He sees everything. He knows everything we do and everything about us. He didn't just make us exactly as He planned. Wonderful. But he thinks about us and we are precious to Him, even though we are not perfect. For me it shouldn't matter if everyone else in the world thinks I'm a weirdo or awkward. I really am a weirdo and awkward, so they are right, actually. But even so, God thinks I'm precious. He likes my weirdness. He made me to be that way. The way he feels about me is not dependent on if I like to eat at his favorite place or wear his favorite brand. He likes me because I’m me. He also brings people into my life that feel the same. They don’t care if we like the same things or have nothing in common. I (and maybe you too) just have to believe that the right people will stay no matter what I do and the wrong people will move on.
And that’s ok.
Really.
Theres something better out there. I’m tried of living in fear of rejection. are you?
I enjoy this post so very much!!!! Thank God for awkward weirdo's!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis one was for me
:) I'm glad you liked it. The world needs us. If not for us life would be very dull
DeleteThanks Kathryn. I needed this today. :)
ReplyDelete