Caleb Elijah Lopez

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write in my entire life. I want to write it and at the same time I don't. Even as I sit here trying to write my heart aches thinking of where I was at exactly this moment last week longing to be there instead of here.

A week. How can it already have been a week? I've thought a million times what I'm going to write here and how I'm going to begin and what order I'll put it in and I think I've been so afraid to come back here...so afraid of...of leaving something out...of attaching simple words to an event that is so far from simple, it might just not be possible. I don't know how it's going to come or if it will make sense, but I'm just going to write.

I already had 2 sons. Thinking I was going to have a little girl was an adjustment but I was happy. We scheduled the c-section for February 1st because I liked that the baby's birthday would be 2.1.12 and here in Peru it would be written 1.2.12 things like that make me happy. There had been complications as I've mentioned here but we were praying for the baby to make it. The hospital had us check in the night before because my surgery was scheduled at 8am. I was so nervous I barely slept and I prayed all night. 

At 6am the nurse came in and told me to take a shower. She told Jose he needed to have baby shampoo and some other things that we didn't think to bring with us so he had to go to the store. But no stores were open so he waited until 7:30. The nurses came for me minutes after he left. My spanish is not very good and I needed Jose with me so I kept saying "Yo necesito mi esposo. Espere POR FAVOR" (my way of saying "I need my husband. wait PLEASE") they just kept telling me he went to the store and would be back soon. They prepped me and gave me an epidural. I was strapped to a table and I heard the nurses saying something about my husband wanting to come in and how weird it was and I started crying. A different nurse came over and tried to comfort me. I just said my little spanish phrase a few times and finally she said "he's coming we won't start without him here." When they let Jose in he told me they just had him wait until everything was ready.  

We knew that girl was just a guess, but it was still a surprise when the Dr said "baronsito!" (little boy) And I was so happy. Sure we didn't have any boy stuff but I didn't realize just how much I wanted another boy until that moment. When the nurse held him up to me to see I wanted so badly to hold him and kiss him and tell him how I loved him. But they needed to get him into an incubator and run tests. I knew that would happen long before he was born. Everything is fuzzy after that. I remember Jose saying "Caleb Elijah it is!" I heard my Dr say that I had no amniotic fluid, and I remember praying that Caleb and I would be ok. 

They took me to a recovery room and I was there for what seemed like days. I kept begging the girl to let me see my husband and my baby and they finally took me upstairs but me and caleb both had to stay where we were, separated. When I got to my room Jose told me Caleb's colon was not fully developed and he needed surgery. They were running tests to see what needed to be done. Most likely he would need a colostomy. We waited and waited to find out what was going to happen. I asked Jose to take a picture of him so I could at least see him and he did. Finally the dr confirmed he would need a colostomy and hopefully by 6-9 months we could reverse it and he would be fine. His surgery ended up being around 9 pm and we could do nothing but wait. Jose kept checking on him but there was no news. Finally they told us he had come through surgery fine and it was successful. 

Thursday morning Caleb's Dr told us he had stopped breathing when they took him off the oxygen at 4am. They were able to get him breathing again with the oxygen tubes and they said that sometimes that happens with babies that young. They have trouble getting used to breathing on their own. I was determined to see him so I got out of bed as soon as I could. The pain was horrible. I don't remember ever hurting as badly as I did after this c-section. I kept asking to see him and they were barely letting Jose. Finally after Jose had asked again and again they said I could come down.   

He looked just as I imagined him, like his brothers. With a full head of black hair and light skin like me. Logan and Timothy had both been big 9.6 and 7.12 lbs respectively. Both of them were 21 1/2 inches long. Caleb was 5.5 lb and 17 inches long. He was so small yet he looked substantial. His legs were very short and skinny but he had broad shoulders so we called him our little football player. He looked like he had shoulder pads on. He was so beautiful and I cried. I sobbed actually. I had prayed for him for 4 years and here we was. I thought I was going to lose him but I didn't. He was a miracle. He survived when the Dr said I was having a miscarriage. I thought if he could just make it to term everything would be ok. 

While we were with him we noticed his oxygen saturation level was only at 50% the dr told Jose a bunch of stuff and when we were talking about it I asked Jose if they thought he was going to die, he didn't know. Every time they talked to us they mentioned one more thing that was a cause for concern. God was preparing me but I didn't want to believe it. 

One hour after I left Caleb he left us. Just like that. He stopped breathing and this time they couldn't get him to start again. 6 pm. 33 hours and 5 minutes. That's how long caleb was here. I've heard people say that having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body. You can't control what happens to it but everything that does happen feels like it's happening to you. It's true but how do you explain the way you feel when that piece of your heart dies? I know he's in heaven and given the choice to stay there or come to me he would stay. I'm not mad at God but I'm jealous. He gets to know my baby and I don't. I know it's his plan and theres a reason for it. But it still hurts. I still have moments where I feel like I can't go on. That the pain of losing him is more than I can take. That I will never be ok. But then I have moments where peace comes in like a flood. Gods presence is tangible. I know he is with me and he is comforting me. Even while I grieve he is comforting me. I'm not eloquent enough to explain any of this really. This is just the way it is. 

The next couple days were filled with doing things we never would have thought we would have to do. Thinking about things we never would have thought we would have to think about. Reliving a moment I never wanted to live. Jose wrote this to our Pastor and it sums up how I feel as well. 

"Every step of my walk of faith he has stretched me.  Every step I knew is one for something bigger.  Every step has come at a higher cost but also a higher reward.  I can only imagine what this time of trial will bring to my life.  I knew when he called me, that I being a soldier, am willing to die.  I know that I am not afraid to die now if you ask me to, but it came at a higher price to ask my son to die.  how great a sacrifice can I be identified with than the one that sent his son to die for us.  God will get the Glory in Caleb's life and he will get it through my life.  All this does it gets me more angry at the devil for tempting me with denying Christ and provoking me to fear and not faith."    

3 days after Caleb died we had Sunday service. All we did was worship and Jose gave a short word of testimony about Caleb and an invitation to have a relationship with God. The house was packed. We had 32 people in our living room and 6 of them raised their hands and answered the invitation. It was a beautiful way to celebrate my sons life. 6 people's lives have been changed because of my son's short life. Thousands of people have heard Caleb's story and prayed for him and us. People that didn't know us or each other all came together on our behalf because of Caleb. I can't say that I would have chosen this. I can't say that I'm glad this happened. But I know it was worth it. 

Caleb will always be my son. I will always carry him in my heart. His life as short as it was had an eternal impact and I'm grateful for that. I thank God for giving him to me even for the short time that I had him. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD."
Jeremiah 29:11-14a

While I was pregnant God gave me this passage. I thought it was for the baby. After He died I asked God why he would give me that passage when clearly it didn't apply. But it wasn't for Caleb. It was for me. To carry me. He knew this would happen. He knew why it would happen. It was for my good. I have a future and a hope. When I pray he listens. I will find Him.
In everything I will find Him.