Joy in the morning

3 years ago at this time I was sitting in a hospital bed trying to force my body to lactate so my milk would come in to nourish my baby who I thought was fighting for his life one floor below me. Jose walked in with a look on his face that is permanently emblazoned on my brain. He didn't have to say anything, I knew. I remember throwing the pump away from me like it was to blame and saying no over and over again in hopes that maybe something would change. Holding onto Jose for dear life while we cried together. At that moment and for many months afterward I thought I would never recover. I remember my great grandmother who had lost 2 husbands and a few of her children saying that losing a child was harder than a spouse because nobody expects to lose a child. We expect our children to outlive us, anything else doesn't make sense.

I miss him. I wish I knew what kind of personality he would have had. Would he have been a clown like his brothers and sister? Would he have been an introvert like me. Would he love pickles like his dad? Would he have had green eyes like me and Tim or brown like everyone else? Would Thomas the train be his obsession at this age or would he have broken the trend and been into cars? What would his voice sound like?

They say that time heals all wounds and I guess in a sense that could be true. The gaping wound does heal. The bleeding stops. The constant pain of missing someone becomes less and less constant. But theres still a scar, a part of me that will never be the same. I will probably always get an ache in my heart when people ask how many children I have. But it is getting ever so much easier.

This year I was able to do something special in memory of Caleb that eased the pain of not having him here to celebrate his life. A few months ago I had a thought that I miss having birthday parties for Caleb. I'm not even that much of a birthday party person in general but when you can't do it you miss it. So I decided to have a birthday party for newborn babies in the hospital. We gathered diapers, baby wipes, clothes, blankets, baby wash etc... for the babies and hand lotion and chocolates for the moms. We wrapped up all the items in a box and delivered them by hand.

As we started to load up the van it began to rain. If you are new to this story let me explain what this meant to me. I have always felt like the rain is little love song from God to me. When we came to Piura I heard it had not rained in years. I was sad to think I would not get to experience the rain anymore. The night that Caleb was born it rained. After Caleb died it rained. And every night for the next month (and a little longer) it rained. It never rains very much but for the past 3 years it has rained a little bit here and there. Usually on days that I really need that extra touch from God to help me carry on. It rained for about 2 hours on the day we delivered gifts to the hospital.

most of the team and the head nurse for maternity/neonatal unit and the nurse in charge of the neonatal unit.

I didn't expect to hold a baby but all the moms insisted we hold their babies. It was a very happy/sad moment for me

all of our team (minus Jose who had to wait downstairs with Zoe) and the head nurse

God worked in so many ways behind the scenes to make this an amazing day. I cried many times but mostly they were happy tears knowing how much God loves me and that he has not forgotten me in my darkest days. Everyone involved was so excited about what we were doing and everyone we encountered was amazed. We decided to make this an annual event to honor Caleb's memory. Next year we hope to at least triple the amount of gift baskets so that every woman in the maternity unit can receive one. (We had no idea how many women would be there and we guessed about 10 and there were at least 35!) 

Psalm 30:5b says "Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning". My weeping lasted much longer than a night. But joy has come in very unexpected ways. 

our little miracle

Zoe Rain Milagros Lopez is the name we have chosen for this little miracle inside of me. 

Names are important to us so we have put a lot of thought into this one. 

Maybe a little extra thought because of the circumstances. 

If you have read my blog for very long you know that Caleb was supposed to be a girl (and I'm still hesitant to believe we are actually having a girl now even though we had a 3D ultrasound this time.) You might also remember that the name we had planned was Zoe Marie.  

Marie is my middle name and the middle name of my great grandmother (I was actually named after her.) I like the way the names sound together but was not altogether fond of the meaning. 

Zoe means life and Marie means bitter or bitterness. I've always kind of hated that my middle name means bitter even though I love the fact that I was named after my grandma. So after a lot of thought and prayer I told Jose I changed my mind and we needed to find a new middle name for this little girl.  Unfortunately, we were stumped. There are lots of girls names we both like but didn't like the way they sounded with Zoe. 

One night while Jose was reading the Proverb of the day to the boys it was the 4th and much of the Proverb is about finding wisdom and never letting her go and all the good she will do for you. 

So he joked we should name a little girl wisdom. 

Sometimes I can't tell if he's joking so I vetoed the idea and googled "girls names meaning wisdom" I found a list with all these names I have never even heard of from all over the world but one of them stood out to me. 

Rain. 

Rain has special meaning to me so I took it as a sign that we found her middle name Zoe Rain Lopez was our name in my mind. Even though I hadn't confirmed it with Jose. A couple days later we were on a date and I told him what I was thinking. He liked it. Our only concern is we live in a country where both of those names are extremely difficult to say correctly. We didn't want our little girl to hate her name because nobody can understand what she's saying when she introduces herself. So we started discussing nicknames. Jose mentioned the name Milagros because it means miracle in spanish. We consider this baby a miracle so it just seemed to fit. Plus Pastora Milagros in Lima has been a huge blessing to us in so many ways through everything so we loved having the opportunity to honor her as well. When we talked about it I said "we could call her Mila (me-luh) here" and we knew we had a winner.  

2 weeks ago at 25 1/2 weeks pregnant

So you can call her Zoe, Mila, Rain, or littlest Lopez. We will probably call her all of the above and more but for right now we are calling her our little miracle

6 months

It's usually not this hard. Most days come and go casually with very little thought of the baby I don't have. But then I have days that are fairly catastrophic and even though the struggles and frustration have nothing to do with my missing child, they do. Why am I so edgy today? Oh yeah, Caleb would have been 6 months old today. I would have told him happy half a year birthday at his morning feeding and we would have been quietly, almost without noticing, celebrating the 6 months he was here. If he was like Logan he would have been crawling by now. If he was like Timothy he would be happy to stick to scooting for several months more. But I will never know what he is like on earth because he is not here.

I'm still sad. I still ache to hold my baby and my eyes fill with tears occasionally when I see babies that are about the age he would be. I guess it's similar to a physical wound. Generally it doesn't hurt so much but when something touches it then the pain is strong for a moment.

The good news is God is faithful. He has carried us through this and at the end of the storm there will be a rainbow.


The week that Caleb went to Heaven my sweet friend Johanna sent me an album through iTunes. That whole album (and "Where I find you"by Kari Jobe) has been very soothing for me. I pretty much played them nonstop for 2 months. The words to this song pretty much sum up how I feel and have felt since the beginning.

Under the wings of God
I will rest, and I will lie in wait
Watching the storm go by
From this shelter of His love and grace

His love is strong
And my hope is here, under the wings of God
Where I belong
And in His love I am safe

When the leaves begin to fall
From the trees of happiness and joy
When the season of sorrow comes
Like a frigid breeze over the frozen soil

His love is warm
And my hope is here under His blazing sun
Where I belong
In His love I am safe

When I am weak He is, He is stronger
When I am slipping He pulls me in close
When I am helpless He will defend me
He is with me wherever I go
Who is like Him? Awesome in power
Who is stronger? His strength has no end
If He is for me, who stands against me?
He will hold me safe in His hands

Thank you for those of you who pray for us and send notes and messages. They mean a lot to us. I love to hear how my baby boy's short life has impacted people. I will never get tired of talking about him so please don't hesitate to mention him to me. (if you want to) 

Hero

It's important to be careful about who you allow to be a hero in your life. Humans are human and will make human choices. This is why no matter how much I admire someone I am very careful to say they are my hero. That said, one person I have always had as a hero in my life is a woman named Elisabeth Elliot. There are many reasons I have always looked up to her and yet I hadn't thought about it in a long time. I was reminded this week. In case you don't know who she is I'll tell you. She was a missionary in Ecuador and married to Jim Elliot. When their daughter was 10 months old Jim Elliot was killed by the very people he went to serve. This has made him a legend, and someone many people I know look up to. I look up to him too, but I think his wife Elisabeth is the real hero of the story. After he died she went to live in the village with the people that killed him for 2 years. I had forgotten that all this happened in Ecuador the country a few hours north of us. Which makes it even more personal and relatable to me. I have been places she has probably been. I don't know that I could have chosen to do what she did. I know now a similar grief from losing my son of natural causes. But I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be to continue living among and working with people that chose to murder my husband. She is a hero to me.

I was reminded of her story because I keep hearing allusions to and speculations that I will go home because of Caleb's death. So I just want to clear something up. When I was 13 years old God called me to missions. It took me 15 years to get here but here I am. His call has not changed. I can't think of anything worse than to walk away from my passion, my life work on top of losing my son. If there has ever been something I feel like I can be proud of about myself it's that no matter what has happened to me in my life I have never been one to give up.  I don't quit. 

I was looking at a bunch of quotes from Elisabeth Elliot and she said a couple things that stood out to me

“This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.” 

“Does it make sense to pray for guidance about the future if we are not obeying in the thing that lies before us today? How many momentous events in Scripture depended on one person's seemingly small act of obedience! Rest assured: Do what God tells you to do now, and, depend upon it, you will be shown what to do next.” 

“Faith's most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain.”

“To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner or later, a personal encounter with the cross. And the cross always entails loss.”

“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. It was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels” might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.”

I want to be like her. One thing I can say is I agree with her about everything. I'm still not happy about Caleb's death and I doubt I will ever be happy about it. But I know it was for my good. I know that God still has a plan for me and I will not allow the enemy to put this in his victory column. I am going to do as Paul said in Hebrews 12

 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.

I've said many times that I believe the safest place to be is in the center of God will. But I am going to expand that. The best place to be is in the center of God's will. It's better to be in the center of Gods will and in a 3rd world country than in the comforts of the United States. My life can be taken. My children's lives can be taken. It might be the hardest thing I ever have to do but until God tells me something different this is where I'm supposed to be.

When I die I wil answer to God for the choices I make. So I have chosen to follow him no matter where he leads me. No matter how hard that road is. No matter who disagrees or rejects me. 

Like a child

Caleb would have been three weeks old today. Three weeks sounds like such a short amount of time and yet it seems like a lifetime has passed for me in that time frame. I've discovered a lot about myself and my friends and family in the last 3 weeks. I've fallen deeper in love with my husband as I've watched him shoulder the burden of everything we've had to deal with. He has been amazing and I know even more now that God made him for me. I've discovered I'm stronger than I think I am in some ways and in other ways I'm much weaker than I hoped to be. I'm jealous...so, so jealous of every woman I see carrying a tiny baby. I'm annoyed by silly things. Things I shouldn't care about. Things that aren't even worth mentioning. I cry a lot...often with no notice...sometimes I don't even know what made me cry...except that my baby is gone. Sometimes I laugh. If tears were rain drops some days would be like a stormy day with the sun peeking out of the clouds from time to time. And some days would be sunny with scattered showers.

When we told the boys about Caleb dying Jose said that he went to be with Jesus. Logan's response was "aww, I want to be with Jesus too" Such a sweet response. I had been worried about how they would take it because they had been looking forward to having a baby in the house. To be honest I don't know if they fully understand but I think that is part of the beauty of how Logan responded. He doesn't understand but he doesn't really have to. Just like me. I don't understand but understanding wouldn't change my circumstances just what I know about them.

Today in school we read Mark 10. I know that it wasn't a mistake because so much of it spoke to me, where I am today. Verses 13-15 are recounting the parents trying to bring the children to see Jesus and the disciples stopping them. In 14-15 Jesus said something we've heard a million times "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." So many times I've heard people preach on this and reference this and I thought I understood. I didn't.

In my adultness, I'm jealous of other women who got to keep their babies here, and God who is with my baby. In Logan's childishness he is jealous of Caleb because he got to be with Jesus first. He is excited about Jesus and Heaven in a way I hope to be. He is looking forward to it in a tangible way and often tells me "I wish I could SEE Jesus" or "mommy, when will I get to go to Heaven?" Even before Caleb was born he would say these things. That is why the Kingdom of God belongs to him. It's not near as complicated as I thought. He believes it, accepts it and is excited about it. That's how I want to be. Like a child.

Caleb Elijah Lopez

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write in my entire life. I want to write it and at the same time I don't. Even as I sit here trying to write my heart aches thinking of where I was at exactly this moment last week longing to be there instead of here.

A week. How can it already have been a week? I've thought a million times what I'm going to write here and how I'm going to begin and what order I'll put it in and I think I've been so afraid to come back here...so afraid of...of leaving something out...of attaching simple words to an event that is so far from simple, it might just not be possible. I don't know how it's going to come or if it will make sense, but I'm just going to write.

I already had 2 sons. Thinking I was going to have a little girl was an adjustment but I was happy. We scheduled the c-section for February 1st because I liked that the baby's birthday would be 2.1.12 and here in Peru it would be written 1.2.12 things like that make me happy. There had been complications as I've mentioned here but we were praying for the baby to make it. The hospital had us check in the night before because my surgery was scheduled at 8am. I was so nervous I barely slept and I prayed all night. 

At 6am the nurse came in and told me to take a shower. She told Jose he needed to have baby shampoo and some other things that we didn't think to bring with us so he had to go to the store. But no stores were open so he waited until 7:30. The nurses came for me minutes after he left. My spanish is not very good and I needed Jose with me so I kept saying "Yo necesito mi esposo. Espere POR FAVOR" (my way of saying "I need my husband. wait PLEASE") they just kept telling me he went to the store and would be back soon. They prepped me and gave me an epidural. I was strapped to a table and I heard the nurses saying something about my husband wanting to come in and how weird it was and I started crying. A different nurse came over and tried to comfort me. I just said my little spanish phrase a few times and finally she said "he's coming we won't start without him here." When they let Jose in he told me they just had him wait until everything was ready.  

We knew that girl was just a guess, but it was still a surprise when the Dr said "baronsito!" (little boy) And I was so happy. Sure we didn't have any boy stuff but I didn't realize just how much I wanted another boy until that moment. When the nurse held him up to me to see I wanted so badly to hold him and kiss him and tell him how I loved him. But they needed to get him into an incubator and run tests. I knew that would happen long before he was born. Everything is fuzzy after that. I remember Jose saying "Caleb Elijah it is!" I heard my Dr say that I had no amniotic fluid, and I remember praying that Caleb and I would be ok. 

They took me to a recovery room and I was there for what seemed like days. I kept begging the girl to let me see my husband and my baby and they finally took me upstairs but me and caleb both had to stay where we were, separated. When I got to my room Jose told me Caleb's colon was not fully developed and he needed surgery. They were running tests to see what needed to be done. Most likely he would need a colostomy. We waited and waited to find out what was going to happen. I asked Jose to take a picture of him so I could at least see him and he did. Finally the dr confirmed he would need a colostomy and hopefully by 6-9 months we could reverse it and he would be fine. His surgery ended up being around 9 pm and we could do nothing but wait. Jose kept checking on him but there was no news. Finally they told us he had come through surgery fine and it was successful. 

Thursday morning Caleb's Dr told us he had stopped breathing when they took him off the oxygen at 4am. They were able to get him breathing again with the oxygen tubes and they said that sometimes that happens with babies that young. They have trouble getting used to breathing on their own. I was determined to see him so I got out of bed as soon as I could. The pain was horrible. I don't remember ever hurting as badly as I did after this c-section. I kept asking to see him and they were barely letting Jose. Finally after Jose had asked again and again they said I could come down.   

He looked just as I imagined him, like his brothers. With a full head of black hair and light skin like me. Logan and Timothy had both been big 9.6 and 7.12 lbs respectively. Both of them were 21 1/2 inches long. Caleb was 5.5 lb and 17 inches long. He was so small yet he looked substantial. His legs were very short and skinny but he had broad shoulders so we called him our little football player. He looked like he had shoulder pads on. He was so beautiful and I cried. I sobbed actually. I had prayed for him for 4 years and here we was. I thought I was going to lose him but I didn't. He was a miracle. He survived when the Dr said I was having a miscarriage. I thought if he could just make it to term everything would be ok. 

While we were with him we noticed his oxygen saturation level was only at 50% the dr told Jose a bunch of stuff and when we were talking about it I asked Jose if they thought he was going to die, he didn't know. Every time they talked to us they mentioned one more thing that was a cause for concern. God was preparing me but I didn't want to believe it. 

One hour after I left Caleb he left us. Just like that. He stopped breathing and this time they couldn't get him to start again. 6 pm. 33 hours and 5 minutes. That's how long caleb was here. I've heard people say that having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body. You can't control what happens to it but everything that does happen feels like it's happening to you. It's true but how do you explain the way you feel when that piece of your heart dies? I know he's in heaven and given the choice to stay there or come to me he would stay. I'm not mad at God but I'm jealous. He gets to know my baby and I don't. I know it's his plan and theres a reason for it. But it still hurts. I still have moments where I feel like I can't go on. That the pain of losing him is more than I can take. That I will never be ok. But then I have moments where peace comes in like a flood. Gods presence is tangible. I know he is with me and he is comforting me. Even while I grieve he is comforting me. I'm not eloquent enough to explain any of this really. This is just the way it is. 

The next couple days were filled with doing things we never would have thought we would have to do. Thinking about things we never would have thought we would have to think about. Reliving a moment I never wanted to live. Jose wrote this to our Pastor and it sums up how I feel as well. 

"Every step of my walk of faith he has stretched me.  Every step I knew is one for something bigger.  Every step has come at a higher cost but also a higher reward.  I can only imagine what this time of trial will bring to my life.  I knew when he called me, that I being a soldier, am willing to die.  I know that I am not afraid to die now if you ask me to, but it came at a higher price to ask my son to die.  how great a sacrifice can I be identified with than the one that sent his son to die for us.  God will get the Glory in Caleb's life and he will get it through my life.  All this does it gets me more angry at the devil for tempting me with denying Christ and provoking me to fear and not faith."    

3 days after Caleb died we had Sunday service. All we did was worship and Jose gave a short word of testimony about Caleb and an invitation to have a relationship with God. The house was packed. We had 32 people in our living room and 6 of them raised their hands and answered the invitation. It was a beautiful way to celebrate my sons life. 6 people's lives have been changed because of my son's short life. Thousands of people have heard Caleb's story and prayed for him and us. People that didn't know us or each other all came together on our behalf because of Caleb. I can't say that I would have chosen this. I can't say that I'm glad this happened. But I know it was worth it. 

Caleb will always be my son. I will always carry him in my heart. His life as short as it was had an eternal impact and I'm grateful for that. I thank God for giving him to me even for the short time that I had him. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD."
Jeremiah 29:11-14a

While I was pregnant God gave me this passage. I thought it was for the baby. After He died I asked God why he would give me that passage when clearly it didn't apply. But it wasn't for Caleb. It was for me. To carry me. He knew this would happen. He knew why it would happen. It was for my good. I have a future and a hope. When I pray he listens. I will find Him.
In everything I will find Him.