Fall on your knees

My all time favorite Christmas song is "Oh Holy Night" every time I hear it I am moved almost to tears. It's more than the words it's also the way the music ebbs and swells at the exact perfect moment. But this part gets me every time.

"The thrill of hope, 

a weary world rejoices 

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. 

Fall on your knees..." 

Just think about that. The whole world was in the darkest of places, weary really.

If you have every really felt hopeless you probably also experienced weariness. 

It's just this feeling of being so completely drained of anything left to keep going. 

When suddenly something new and glorious comes. 

Hope that makes your heart race. 

Hope that makes everything stop as you fall on your knees to worship the savior of your soul.

Without a doubt 2012 has been the hardest year of my life so far.
There have been good and difficult things this year but when I look back the difficult things seem to overshadow everything else.
I had started this post yesterday morning with a much different idea of which way it was going to go. Then I got word that a dear friend lost her 3 year old son in a car accident.
My heart dropped because I know that pain all too well.
I spent the last day of 2012 crying and praying for my friend
and grieving all over again for my sweet Caleb.
I doubt anything shatters your heart like losing a child.
Nothing anyone says can help.
It's a hopeless, weary feeling.
And yet, I woke up rejoicing. A new day, a new year broke and it is glorious.
I could hear my boys playing in the other room.
I could feel the baby inside of me wiggling and the man I love had his arm around me.
Yesterday all I could see was the pain in this world and today I see
HOPE.
I have no guarantee that this year will be easier than last year.
But I do have hope that it can be.


God gave me this passage last year and it carried me through the difficult times so
I wanted to end this post with it.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a

The silent treatment

The other night I was reading the proverbs to my kids before bed. Every night we (usually Jose actually, but I do it sometimes) read the proverb that corresponds with the date. It was July 17th so we read Proverbs 17. I know it's not earth shattering but it's a fun little thing we do that now we can never skip. If we try Timothy storms into our room 5 minutes after we say good-night saying "wead the Pwoverbs!" It's actually really funny.
Anyway this part stuck out to me.

I always joke that it's my life verse whenever people comment on how quiet I am. Truthfully, it's not my life verse but I do think of it a lot.
The thing about talking is it's easy. Most of us do it non stop from about a year old (or earlier) until we die. Because it's so easy, it's very easy to say things that we don't mean or we haven't thought through. Which is actually a part of the reason that I like writing. I can write out everything in my heart then look back over it and decide if what I wrote is really saying what I want to say. Even so I know I still make mistakes. That's life and a part of human nature. So I try to stick with the "less is more" mindset. (watch this be my longest post ever. lol)

I know it's easy to talk about other people with no bad intentions and then somewhere in there it turns into gossip. I have run into many situations where I realize I have gotten myself stuck on a runaway train and then I don't know what to do. I don't want to offend whoever I'm talking to but at the same time I know that the territory we have crossed into is inappropriate. Am I the only one this happens to? I kind of doubt it but I don't know. I used to just start panicking and whoever I was talking to would realize I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying and would ask if I was ok. While it did work it was a little embarrassing. So lately I've just starting using the honest approach. When I realize what I'm doing I just say. "I'm sorry, can we talk about something else?" or something along those lines. I've also used redirection. You know "Oh! speaking of Mary, Have you tried that new sushi place?" It might not even make sense but it works. (now if I'm ever talking to someone who reads this blog and do that they will know what I'm doing...maybe I should keep this a secret.)

Often things we say are a part of our culture and we don't even think about the actual meaning of what we are saying. There is a word here in Peru that people say all the time when there is a child crying or throwing a fit. The word is "Malcreada" which means "badly made" It's the equivalent of calling someone a brat in english. I've also heard some people say it about family members that don't call as often as the person speaking thinks they should. (Which bugs me in a different way. Phones work 2 ways. I will never understand why people get mad at others for not calling them when they are just as capable of calling but don't) I believe that there is power in the words you speak. I don't tell my children they ARE bad or Brats or anything like that. I tell them their behavior is bad. It's just a slight difference but imagine what a difference it makes. When you tell someone they are bad or mean or rude what do they take away from that? If you tell them they are acting mean or rude or behaving badly that gives them room to adjust their actions.

I have started telling my kids "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" as often as I think about it. I know that I have no control over what other people say to them. But when that person speaks to them I want them to have an overflowing store house of positive reinforcement. I want them to know that God made them just the way they are without hesitation or a second thought. He knew what he was doing and he made them just as they should be. Probably a year ago there was a movie in theaters called "the help" in that movie a maid would tell her charge everyday "you is good, you is kind, you is smart"  I loved that. (as did a lot of people from what I understand)

I could totally break out about 50 other verses from the bible about being careful about what you say. Almost all of Proverbs 18 talks about it and there are tons of other places. But I'm just going to leave it at this.

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. 

James 3:2-6

Like a child

Caleb would have been three weeks old today. Three weeks sounds like such a short amount of time and yet it seems like a lifetime has passed for me in that time frame. I've discovered a lot about myself and my friends and family in the last 3 weeks. I've fallen deeper in love with my husband as I've watched him shoulder the burden of everything we've had to deal with. He has been amazing and I know even more now that God made him for me. I've discovered I'm stronger than I think I am in some ways and in other ways I'm much weaker than I hoped to be. I'm jealous...so, so jealous of every woman I see carrying a tiny baby. I'm annoyed by silly things. Things I shouldn't care about. Things that aren't even worth mentioning. I cry a lot...often with no notice...sometimes I don't even know what made me cry...except that my baby is gone. Sometimes I laugh. If tears were rain drops some days would be like a stormy day with the sun peeking out of the clouds from time to time. And some days would be sunny with scattered showers.

When we told the boys about Caleb dying Jose said that he went to be with Jesus. Logan's response was "aww, I want to be with Jesus too" Such a sweet response. I had been worried about how they would take it because they had been looking forward to having a baby in the house. To be honest I don't know if they fully understand but I think that is part of the beauty of how Logan responded. He doesn't understand but he doesn't really have to. Just like me. I don't understand but understanding wouldn't change my circumstances just what I know about them.

Today in school we read Mark 10. I know that it wasn't a mistake because so much of it spoke to me, where I am today. Verses 13-15 are recounting the parents trying to bring the children to see Jesus and the disciples stopping them. In 14-15 Jesus said something we've heard a million times "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." So many times I've heard people preach on this and reference this and I thought I understood. I didn't.

In my adultness, I'm jealous of other women who got to keep their babies here, and God who is with my baby. In Logan's childishness he is jealous of Caleb because he got to be with Jesus first. He is excited about Jesus and Heaven in a way I hope to be. He is looking forward to it in a tangible way and often tells me "I wish I could SEE Jesus" or "mommy, when will I get to go to Heaven?" Even before Caleb was born he would say these things. That is why the Kingdom of God belongs to him. It's not near as complicated as I thought. He believes it, accepts it and is excited about it. That's how I want to be. Like a child.

Remember the time we accidentally broke the law?

A few weeks ago we were driving home from the airport late at night. There was this freestanding red light in the median separating us from the opposing traffic about 25 feet from another red light at an actual intersection so Jose coasted past the first light and stopped at the second light. We both thought the first one was a part of the second one. Jose feels that we should follow traffic laws just like any other law. Even here in Peru where the rules of the road are generally treated like suggestions. Stop signs in residential areas might as well be political posters for the amount of people that even seem to notice them. So this was for sure a mistake. Now you rarely ever see police pulling people over BUT right as we stopped a police cruiser pulled up on my side and started questioning Jose about not stopping. He decided we needed to be pulled over.

At that time we were right in the middle of time of faith stretching. (money was tight) We both had heard stories of police trying to extort money from random people so we prayed quickly as we were waiting for the officer to come talk to us. At first he asked Jose to get out of the car and asked for his documentation. Jose gave him his American passport and drivers licence. Peruvians think that Americans are all wealthy. The police officer started yelling at Jose that the penalty for running a red light is s./850 which is about $300 the next time he said the amount it went up to s./870 ($310...Jose later spoke with a police officer who told him there is no traffic violation that costs that much and the actual fine for running a red light is about $60) the policia wanted us to drive to the bank and take out the money to pay them right then. They said they would not give Jose's drivers license back without the money.  Jose told him "listen we are missionaries. we live by faith. we don't have that much money anywhere. if people don't give we don't have money. that is how it works for us." The police officer went back to his car to talk to the other officer. When he came back he told Jose "look the lights on our car aren't working can you help us?" Jose responded "what do you want me to do? Do you want me to pray for your car? Or follow you to the police station so I can tell your supervisor that you need your car fixed?" the officer responded "no I want some money" Jose said "oh, ok I have 10 soles on me. ($4) you can have that" the police officer seemed disappointed but said ok. Then Jose asked if he could pray for him. The officer agreed and  Jose prayed things like "Lord I thank you that you make this man an honest man, a man of courage, integrity, and good character." at the end of the prayer the officer was acting like an old friend. He was saying things like "wow, are those your kids? and is that your lovely wife?" It was funny and kind of a relief. So many bad things could have happened that night. (and I was thinking of them while I was sitting in the car trying not to have a panic attack.) But they didn't because God is taking care of us.

The truth is we all have crazy/freaky/"God, what are we going to do?" moments. Some more than others. We may not always have the cool headed instincts that my amazing husband has. But the important thing is no matter what we go through God is not surprised by what we are going through. And as hard as it may be to see He has a plan through it all.  One of my all time favorite verses is 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast your cares on the Lord for he cares for you" but I googled it because I'm horrible at remembering where verses are found and the first verse that came up was Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares (or burden) on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never suffer the righteous to be moved." I love that these verses say to cast your cares on the Lord. Cast means throw. I don't know about you but for me it's really hard to throw something and keep it close to me at the same time. (and I have a terrible throwing arm) So if I throw my cares or my burdens on the Lord, they are no longer mine unless I go and take them back from him. Now I'm not always the smartest person and sometimes I do try to take them back but this is me reminding myself all those burdens and cares belong to God. Anyone care to join me? Lets start a revolution of throwing our burdens to the Lord and letting him sustain us.

Inspiration from my past self

I was going through some old journals and a sheet of paper fell out of one of them. When I was younger I loved poetry and would usually journal whatever poem or song I was feeling the most. This paper had a poem on each side. One of them is very well known and the other is one I found in a poetry book and have never seen it before or since so I don't think it is very well known.

Here they are

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
                                   ~Robert Frost

How Did You Die?

Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
with a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
with a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a troubles a ton or a troubles an ounce,
or a trouble is what you make it.
And it isn't the fact that your hurt that counts
but only how did you take it?

You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face
it's nothing against you to fall down flat,
but to lie there-that's disgrace
The harder your thrown, why the higher you bounce
be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that your licked that counts,
it's how did you fight and why?

And though you be done to the death, what then?
If you battled the best you could;
If you played your part in the world of men,
why the critic would call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce
and whether he's slow or spry
It isn't the fact that your dead that counts
But only, How did you die?
                                ~Edmund Vance Cooke

I'm not sure what was going on in my life that these 2 poems inspired me then. But I think it's really cool that I found them when I did. The second one especially describes a lot of things I have thought and even blogged about already. No matter what may happen to me, the important thing is not what happened but how did I respond? I don't always respond the right way. Sometimes I let my flesh respond and that is usually when I feel like a whipped puppy. I'm learning.

In 7 weeks my world is going to change. Am I nervous? Of course! But 100 times more excited than nervous. I am so thankful for the people that are excited with me. Romans 12:15 says (Rejoice) "Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep" You guys are awesome! :-D

I have a new thingy on the side over there---------------------------------------------------------> somewhere, with our prayer partners names. If you would like to be added to our list (because we love you!) let me know (by commenting) and I will add you. I won't send you any junk mail, I will just know you are praying for us :-D we will post prayer needs as they arise on this blog. And, if you would like I can send you a direct email with our prayer needs (but only if you like...I promise not to spam you!)

(And) when I went to find the exact wording of the verse above I thought how awesome and appropriate the rest of these verses where so I decided to leave you with this.

Romans 12:14-21
Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.  Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,
“I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.