Pregnancy after loss

The last couple months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. Since everything seemed fine with my last pregnancy I feel this hesitancy to totally get comfortable. Planning for the future seems so silly. I mean I did that last time. I had a baby registry and planned out how I would decorate the nursery. When he didn't come home with me though, any baby stuff I had out only served as a reminder of the big hole in my heart and my arms. But if I don't think about the nursery and the baby, if I don't plan then does that say I'm expecting the same outcome as before? This is the difficulty in being pregnant after losing a child the way I did. I want this child so much and I'm afraid to lose it. I'm also afraid to give into the joys of expecting in case I do lose it. I'm told it's normal to feel this way and I'm sure it is. That doesn't make it any easier.

The good news is that I have now had 2 ultrasounds with great results. The report that the Dr sent home with me listed my amniotic fluid level as "normal" both times. There is no way to explain how happy I am to have a normal amount of amniotic fluid. The baby has wiggled all the way through both ultrasounds and that is another great sign. Last time we took the boys with us hoping to find out the gender (no dice, the baby is still too small for Peruvian ultrasound technology to be able to tell) and we got to see the hand and the feet. We told them the baby was waving and they were excited about it. Both of my boys are voting for another brother. Apparently they like the boys club we've got over here.    Everyone in the world is wishing for me to have a girl, so the rebel in me thinks I should have another boy. It kind of seems like thats what I'm wired for anyway. Honestly I'll be happy either way. I just really want a healthy baby. Seriously, that's all that I care about.


If you are praying for us please continue to pray for the baby's health and peace for our family.
Also the value of the dollar has been plummeting over here. That means our money is not going as far as it was before because we are losing value in the exchange. God is faithful and has been providing as we have needs but we are praying that the dollar turns around and at least stabilizes. Hopefully it's just temporary.

We have a lot going on in the next few months that I'm just waiting until it's all finalized before I share. But please continue to pray that God opens doors and brings the provision for the doors that he has opened

Remember the time we accidentally broke the law?

A few weeks ago we were driving home from the airport late at night. There was this freestanding red light in the median separating us from the opposing traffic about 25 feet from another red light at an actual intersection so Jose coasted past the first light and stopped at the second light. We both thought the first one was a part of the second one. Jose feels that we should follow traffic laws just like any other law. Even here in Peru where the rules of the road are generally treated like suggestions. Stop signs in residential areas might as well be political posters for the amount of people that even seem to notice them. So this was for sure a mistake. Now you rarely ever see police pulling people over BUT right as we stopped a police cruiser pulled up on my side and started questioning Jose about not stopping. He decided we needed to be pulled over.

At that time we were right in the middle of time of faith stretching. (money was tight) We both had heard stories of police trying to extort money from random people so we prayed quickly as we were waiting for the officer to come talk to us. At first he asked Jose to get out of the car and asked for his documentation. Jose gave him his American passport and drivers licence. Peruvians think that Americans are all wealthy. The police officer started yelling at Jose that the penalty for running a red light is s./850 which is about $300 the next time he said the amount it went up to s./870 ($310...Jose later spoke with a police officer who told him there is no traffic violation that costs that much and the actual fine for running a red light is about $60) the policia wanted us to drive to the bank and take out the money to pay them right then. They said they would not give Jose's drivers license back without the money.  Jose told him "listen we are missionaries. we live by faith. we don't have that much money anywhere. if people don't give we don't have money. that is how it works for us." The police officer went back to his car to talk to the other officer. When he came back he told Jose "look the lights on our car aren't working can you help us?" Jose responded "what do you want me to do? Do you want me to pray for your car? Or follow you to the police station so I can tell your supervisor that you need your car fixed?" the officer responded "no I want some money" Jose said "oh, ok I have 10 soles on me. ($4) you can have that" the police officer seemed disappointed but said ok. Then Jose asked if he could pray for him. The officer agreed and  Jose prayed things like "Lord I thank you that you make this man an honest man, a man of courage, integrity, and good character." at the end of the prayer the officer was acting like an old friend. He was saying things like "wow, are those your kids? and is that your lovely wife?" It was funny and kind of a relief. So many bad things could have happened that night. (and I was thinking of them while I was sitting in the car trying not to have a panic attack.) But they didn't because God is taking care of us.

The truth is we all have crazy/freaky/"God, what are we going to do?" moments. Some more than others. We may not always have the cool headed instincts that my amazing husband has. But the important thing is no matter what we go through God is not surprised by what we are going through. And as hard as it may be to see He has a plan through it all.  One of my all time favorite verses is 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast your cares on the Lord for he cares for you" but I googled it because I'm horrible at remembering where verses are found and the first verse that came up was Psalm 55:22 "Cast your cares (or burden) on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never suffer the righteous to be moved." I love that these verses say to cast your cares on the Lord. Cast means throw. I don't know about you but for me it's really hard to throw something and keep it close to me at the same time. (and I have a terrible throwing arm) So if I throw my cares or my burdens on the Lord, they are no longer mine unless I go and take them back from him. Now I'm not always the smartest person and sometimes I do try to take them back but this is me reminding myself all those burdens and cares belong to God. Anyone care to join me? Lets start a revolution of throwing our burdens to the Lord and letting him sustain us.

Did you feel the mountains tremble?

This morning at 3am we experienced our first earthquake. It registered 5.9 on the Richter scale. Here is a news story about it. To be honest it is not that big a deal here. (Jose and my kids actually slept through it..except for when I reached out for Jose, because for a moment I thought I was dreaming)
I find it interesting because the day I wrote my last blog I almost talked about being nervous about earthquakes. All I knew is they start without warning and can be devastating. It scared the living daylights out of me (there's a little bit of Texas slang for you...proof of my roots) But a few days ago I thought. I wonder if there will be an earthquake here? Then I realized I really wasn't as afraid as I used to be. It's awesome the way God prepares us in the smallest ways for things. 

Speaking of preparing for things. Tomorrow (Thursday) Jose, Victor and I will be going to a local orphanage to talk with the director and see how they run things. There are lots of potential good things going on with that so please keep us in prayer. I'm so excited about this I can't even explain it.
God has already been flinging doors wide open everywhere we go. There is no doubt in our minds that his hand is on this ministry and we want to thank everyone of you that has been praying for us and supporting us financially. We are able to do the things we are doing because of your support. We love you guys

I have decided

My head feels like it is about to explode! Jose and I spent the past week in Baton Rouge, LA at Bethany World Prayer Center (a church) They have a yearly conference called The Remnant and it was amazing! I have been to a lot (and I do mean a lot) of conferences and this was the best I can remember attending. The speakers were Dag Heward-Mills (google him he will blow your mind!) Dino Rizzo, Robert Morris, Pastor Larry Stockstill, Pastor Joel Stockstill and Jonathon Stockstill.

I will probably be talking about stuff I learned/heard at the conference for a long time but there is something that God stirred in me when I was there that I feel I should mention here. I have been softening and in a way apologizing for the call for us to go to Peru. I've told people that it's just like parts of America and we won't be in a dangerous area etc... I've said those things for a good reason I think but in reality I shouldn't have said that at all.
Matthew 10:38 If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me you are not worthy of being mine
Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples "if any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me"
The cross = suffering I know this and I have known this. Ministry isn't easy. Ministry in a foreign country is really not easy and yes we could die or get seriously injured/sick etc... I am prepared for that (as much as I can be) Something Dag Heward-Mills said stuck with me though. He talked about the way Muslims are willing to die for what they believe in. Even though they are portrayed as villians there are more and more people becoming muslim. Because people are willing to follow something if other people are willing to die for it. American Christians generally aren't willing to die for their faith. So here I am saying I don't think I'm going to die by going to Peru. I don't have a death wish either. I hope to live a long and useful (to Christ) life. But if I die I hope that I will glorify God in my death as much if not more than in my life.
Matthew 16:25-26 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?

I have decided to follow Jesus...no turning back, no turning back