Fall on your knees

My all time favorite Christmas song is "Oh Holy Night" every time I hear it I am moved almost to tears. It's more than the words it's also the way the music ebbs and swells at the exact perfect moment. But this part gets me every time.

"The thrill of hope, 

a weary world rejoices 

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. 

Fall on your knees..." 

Just think about that. The whole world was in the darkest of places, weary really.

If you have every really felt hopeless you probably also experienced weariness. 

It's just this feeling of being so completely drained of anything left to keep going. 

When suddenly something new and glorious comes. 

Hope that makes your heart race. 

Hope that makes everything stop as you fall on your knees to worship the savior of your soul.

Without a doubt 2012 has been the hardest year of my life so far.
There have been good and difficult things this year but when I look back the difficult things seem to overshadow everything else.
I had started this post yesterday morning with a much different idea of which way it was going to go. Then I got word that a dear friend lost her 3 year old son in a car accident.
My heart dropped because I know that pain all too well.
I spent the last day of 2012 crying and praying for my friend
and grieving all over again for my sweet Caleb.
I doubt anything shatters your heart like losing a child.
Nothing anyone says can help.
It's a hopeless, weary feeling.
And yet, I woke up rejoicing. A new day, a new year broke and it is glorious.
I could hear my boys playing in the other room.
I could feel the baby inside of me wiggling and the man I love had his arm around me.
Yesterday all I could see was the pain in this world and today I see
HOPE.
I have no guarantee that this year will be easier than last year.
But I do have hope that it can be.


God gave me this passage last year and it carried me through the difficult times so
I wanted to end this post with it.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11-14a

Pregnancy after loss

The last couple months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me. Since everything seemed fine with my last pregnancy I feel this hesitancy to totally get comfortable. Planning for the future seems so silly. I mean I did that last time. I had a baby registry and planned out how I would decorate the nursery. When he didn't come home with me though, any baby stuff I had out only served as a reminder of the big hole in my heart and my arms. But if I don't think about the nursery and the baby, if I don't plan then does that say I'm expecting the same outcome as before? This is the difficulty in being pregnant after losing a child the way I did. I want this child so much and I'm afraid to lose it. I'm also afraid to give into the joys of expecting in case I do lose it. I'm told it's normal to feel this way and I'm sure it is. That doesn't make it any easier.

The good news is that I have now had 2 ultrasounds with great results. The report that the Dr sent home with me listed my amniotic fluid level as "normal" both times. There is no way to explain how happy I am to have a normal amount of amniotic fluid. The baby has wiggled all the way through both ultrasounds and that is another great sign. Last time we took the boys with us hoping to find out the gender (no dice, the baby is still too small for Peruvian ultrasound technology to be able to tell) and we got to see the hand and the feet. We told them the baby was waving and they were excited about it. Both of my boys are voting for another brother. Apparently they like the boys club we've got over here.    Everyone in the world is wishing for me to have a girl, so the rebel in me thinks I should have another boy. It kind of seems like thats what I'm wired for anyway. Honestly I'll be happy either way. I just really want a healthy baby. Seriously, that's all that I care about.


If you are praying for us please continue to pray for the baby's health and peace for our family.
Also the value of the dollar has been plummeting over here. That means our money is not going as far as it was before because we are losing value in the exchange. God is faithful and has been providing as we have needs but we are praying that the dollar turns around and at least stabilizes. Hopefully it's just temporary.

We have a lot going on in the next few months that I'm just waiting until it's all finalized before I share. But please continue to pray that God opens doors and brings the provision for the doors that he has opened

6 months

It's usually not this hard. Most days come and go casually with very little thought of the baby I don't have. But then I have days that are fairly catastrophic and even though the struggles and frustration have nothing to do with my missing child, they do. Why am I so edgy today? Oh yeah, Caleb would have been 6 months old today. I would have told him happy half a year birthday at his morning feeding and we would have been quietly, almost without noticing, celebrating the 6 months he was here. If he was like Logan he would have been crawling by now. If he was like Timothy he would be happy to stick to scooting for several months more. But I will never know what he is like on earth because he is not here.

I'm still sad. I still ache to hold my baby and my eyes fill with tears occasionally when I see babies that are about the age he would be. I guess it's similar to a physical wound. Generally it doesn't hurt so much but when something touches it then the pain is strong for a moment.

The good news is God is faithful. He has carried us through this and at the end of the storm there will be a rainbow.


The week that Caleb went to Heaven my sweet friend Johanna sent me an album through iTunes. That whole album (and "Where I find you"by Kari Jobe) has been very soothing for me. I pretty much played them nonstop for 2 months. The words to this song pretty much sum up how I feel and have felt since the beginning.

Under the wings of God
I will rest, and I will lie in wait
Watching the storm go by
From this shelter of His love and grace

His love is strong
And my hope is here, under the wings of God
Where I belong
And in His love I am safe

When the leaves begin to fall
From the trees of happiness and joy
When the season of sorrow comes
Like a frigid breeze over the frozen soil

His love is warm
And my hope is here under His blazing sun
Where I belong
In His love I am safe

When I am weak He is, He is stronger
When I am slipping He pulls me in close
When I am helpless He will defend me
He is with me wherever I go
Who is like Him? Awesome in power
Who is stronger? His strength has no end
If He is for me, who stands against me?
He will hold me safe in His hands

Thank you for those of you who pray for us and send notes and messages. They mean a lot to us. I love to hear how my baby boy's short life has impacted people. I will never get tired of talking about him so please don't hesitate to mention him to me. (if you want to) 

Healing Rain

I love rain...
When I was 14 I heard a girl speaking about falling in love with the Lord. She was talking about the desire girls have to feel loved and looking for that love to come from God instead of boys. She mentioned that one thing she loved was purple flowers and God would often give her purple flowers. She told us to have a special thing that could only come from God. Mine was rain. There is just a peacefulness about it that can't be matched. I held onto it for a little while and then I just sort of forgot about it. I still loved the rain but I forgot about my special attachment to it.

We live in a desert area. There is usually a rainy season but we are told it hadn't rained here for the last couple years. That is until February 1st. It rained here the day that Caleb was born. I was in my hospital room trying not to worry and just pray for my baby when I heard the sweet sound of rain drops on the roof and window. The next night as I was trying to sleep after my son went to be with the Lord it happened again. And the next night and the next and the next. For 4 weeks it rained every single night. Even if just a little it still happened. Theres not a great irrigation system here so the streets flooded. The once dry riverbed near our house filled and anything left on the clothesline to dry overnight needed to be rewashed. It was beautiful. Evenings were the hardest for me at the beginning and that is when it always rained.

After about 3 weeks Jose and I were going somewhere and trying to navigate around flooded streets and it was lightly sprinkling and I thought "mmm, I know it's making things difficult but I love this rain" Then it hit me, I remembered the thing about love letters from God and I just broke down. He was there. He knew what I was going through and what I needed most at that time. A reminder of His love for me. God is always there you just have to pay attention.