Joy in the morning

3 years ago at this time I was sitting in a hospital bed trying to force my body to lactate so my milk would come in to nourish my baby who I thought was fighting for his life one floor below me. Jose walked in with a look on his face that is permanently emblazoned on my brain. He didn't have to say anything, I knew. I remember throwing the pump away from me like it was to blame and saying no over and over again in hopes that maybe something would change. Holding onto Jose for dear life while we cried together. At that moment and for many months afterward I thought I would never recover. I remember my great grandmother who had lost 2 husbands and a few of her children saying that losing a child was harder than a spouse because nobody expects to lose a child. We expect our children to outlive us, anything else doesn't make sense.

I miss him. I wish I knew what kind of personality he would have had. Would he have been a clown like his brothers and sister? Would he have been an introvert like me. Would he love pickles like his dad? Would he have had green eyes like me and Tim or brown like everyone else? Would Thomas the train be his obsession at this age or would he have broken the trend and been into cars? What would his voice sound like?

They say that time heals all wounds and I guess in a sense that could be true. The gaping wound does heal. The bleeding stops. The constant pain of missing someone becomes less and less constant. But theres still a scar, a part of me that will never be the same. I will probably always get an ache in my heart when people ask how many children I have. But it is getting ever so much easier.

This year I was able to do something special in memory of Caleb that eased the pain of not having him here to celebrate his life. A few months ago I had a thought that I miss having birthday parties for Caleb. I'm not even that much of a birthday party person in general but when you can't do it you miss it. So I decided to have a birthday party for newborn babies in the hospital. We gathered diapers, baby wipes, clothes, blankets, baby wash etc... for the babies and hand lotion and chocolates for the moms. We wrapped up all the items in a box and delivered them by hand.

As we started to load up the van it began to rain. If you are new to this story let me explain what this meant to me. I have always felt like the rain is little love song from God to me. When we came to Piura I heard it had not rained in years. I was sad to think I would not get to experience the rain anymore. The night that Caleb was born it rained. After Caleb died it rained. And every night for the next month (and a little longer) it rained. It never rains very much but for the past 3 years it has rained a little bit here and there. Usually on days that I really need that extra touch from God to help me carry on. It rained for about 2 hours on the day we delivered gifts to the hospital.

most of the team and the head nurse for maternity/neonatal unit and the nurse in charge of the neonatal unit.

I didn't expect to hold a baby but all the moms insisted we hold their babies. It was a very happy/sad moment for me

all of our team (minus Jose who had to wait downstairs with Zoe) and the head nurse

God worked in so many ways behind the scenes to make this an amazing day. I cried many times but mostly they were happy tears knowing how much God loves me and that he has not forgotten me in my darkest days. Everyone involved was so excited about what we were doing and everyone we encountered was amazed. We decided to make this an annual event to honor Caleb's memory. Next year we hope to at least triple the amount of gift baskets so that every woman in the maternity unit can receive one. (We had no idea how many women would be there and we guessed about 10 and there were at least 35!) 

Psalm 30:5b says "Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning". My weeping lasted much longer than a night. But joy has come in very unexpected ways. 

Happy Birthday Timothy

In our home birthday season is February-June. We start with Caleb in February then it's Zoe in March, Jose & Logan in April, Me in May and finally Timothy in June. 

 Logan and Tim had been planning this birthday party since Logans birthday ended. One of our friends from church actually told me her son came home with a handmade invitation to Tims party at "the robot restaurant" (a restaurant with a play area that looks like a robot) a few weeks before his birthday. He's proactive like that. 

He always surprises me with the way he thinks. After Zoe was born he told me he couldn't touch her because he would get sick. Later I realized he meant she would get sick. He treats her like a precious relic and takes a very strong "look but don't touch" stance about his sister. At least once a day he gets angry at Logan for touching the baby without washing his hands first. 

Timothy is the most affectionate kid in the family right now. He always starts the morning by walking into my room and giving me a hug. Any time he leaves the house as soon as he gets back he looks for me to give me a hug. That's just a given.  

He is stubborn. While I think this is ultimately a good quality it creates lots of

opportunities for mommy humility. Like when he decides to go on strike and not speak spanish.

He is amazingly creative. For the last few years he has been very interested in movie end credits. 

It's hilarious to us that he will watch the beginning and end of any movie he can his hands on 

but isn't all that interested in the actual feature. 

He also loves Lego's. 

He spends hours building movie credits or movie theaters

He says he wants to be an architect or a movie producer when he grows up.

Timothy, you are and always will be baby mine. (even though I won't call you that after you hit puberty) I love you from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. I hope you always know that you are loved and cherished by me and daddy. 

We are proud of you and excited to see what you do this year. I'm sure it will be surprising and amazing!

I love you!

Mommy

April showers

Its amazing how much time and energy one little body added to the family can take.

Zoe is officially 8 weeks old and I'm finally starting to get a rhythm down. That does involve me spending hours in bed nursing her. (I'm really hoping to get a chair in my room soon so I don't feel so lazy nursing her all day) But I do manage to shower almost everyday so I'm feeling pretty good about my ability to function with a newborn.

Shes still a bit confused about night and day but every few days she sleeps for a few hours in a row *pure bliss* I tell you. She is deliciously chubby and happy as long as somebody is close by.

But if she realizes she has been left alone we get this face

I prefer these so I spend a lot of time with her

I love April because it is the month 2 of my favorite people were born. 

Jose's birthday was April 19th. I'm so proud of him for being the man of God that he is. I can't begin to explain how difficult the last year has been for our family. But you would never know from the outside that Jose has had any difficulties he bears the brunt of every hit we've taken and keeps moving forward. He is definitely a soldier, nothing can deter him from accomplishing his mission. 

If I was going to choose a husband based entirely on what kind of dad he would be there would have been no other competitors even close to Jose. He comes home from a long day of slaying dragons and putting out fires and everything else a missionary/church planter/american living in a foreign country has to do and he takes whatever child responsibilities I need him to and is happy to do it. I almost never change diapers when he is home because he does them all.

Oh and the dishes too he does the dishes every night (and we don't own a dishwasher) I have a certain way I like them washed and he does them my way and doesn't act like I'm crazy for thinking its important
I thank God every day for giving me such an awesome husband. But I especially thank him on April 19th the day that Mr Incredible was born. <3

April 27th is another special day in Lopez history. The day our first child was born. 

Logan was our first little miracle baby and we have been in love with him since day one

He has the most sensitive heart and loves his brothers and sister. He led Timothy to Lord a few weeks ago and always wants to help me with anything he can related to Zoe. He loves to hold her and is trying to get her first word to be Logan or Mama 

He is really into Super heroes now...like a lot. Ask me anything you want to know about the avengers, super hero squad or Logans own invention the "super duper troopers" and I probably know because that is 90% of what I hear about from Logan everyday. But if you really want to know ask him. The child is a facts sponge. He's even invented his own super hero "Thunderbolt" complete with powers and a costume he designed (only drew pictures he didn't actually make the costume though it wouldn't surprise me at all if he did) 

 He is generous and caring. Loves to give gifts to other people. Prays for more kids to come to church and wants to be a pastor, dad and superhero when he grows up (just like his dad)

I am so proud of my 8 year old super hero boy. I can't wait to see what this year holds for him. 

Happy Birthday Jose and Logan 

and happy day to you