Like a child

Caleb would have been three weeks old today. Three weeks sounds like such a short amount of time and yet it seems like a lifetime has passed for me in that time frame. I've discovered a lot about myself and my friends and family in the last 3 weeks. I've fallen deeper in love with my husband as I've watched him shoulder the burden of everything we've had to deal with. He has been amazing and I know even more now that God made him for me. I've discovered I'm stronger than I think I am in some ways and in other ways I'm much weaker than I hoped to be. I'm jealous...so, so jealous of every woman I see carrying a tiny baby. I'm annoyed by silly things. Things I shouldn't care about. Things that aren't even worth mentioning. I cry a lot...often with no notice...sometimes I don't even know what made me cry...except that my baby is gone. Sometimes I laugh. If tears were rain drops some days would be like a stormy day with the sun peeking out of the clouds from time to time. And some days would be sunny with scattered showers.

When we told the boys about Caleb dying Jose said that he went to be with Jesus. Logan's response was "aww, I want to be with Jesus too" Such a sweet response. I had been worried about how they would take it because they had been looking forward to having a baby in the house. To be honest I don't know if they fully understand but I think that is part of the beauty of how Logan responded. He doesn't understand but he doesn't really have to. Just like me. I don't understand but understanding wouldn't change my circumstances just what I know about them.

Today in school we read Mark 10. I know that it wasn't a mistake because so much of it spoke to me, where I am today. Verses 13-15 are recounting the parents trying to bring the children to see Jesus and the disciples stopping them. In 14-15 Jesus said something we've heard a million times "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." So many times I've heard people preach on this and reference this and I thought I understood. I didn't.

In my adultness, I'm jealous of other women who got to keep their babies here, and God who is with my baby. In Logan's childishness he is jealous of Caleb because he got to be with Jesus first. He is excited about Jesus and Heaven in a way I hope to be. He is looking forward to it in a tangible way and often tells me "I wish I could SEE Jesus" or "mommy, when will I get to go to Heaven?" Even before Caleb was born he would say these things. That is why the Kingdom of God belongs to him. It's not near as complicated as I thought. He believes it, accepts it and is excited about it. That's how I want to be. Like a child.