6 months

It's usually not this hard. Most days come and go casually with very little thought of the baby I don't have. But then I have days that are fairly catastrophic and even though the struggles and frustration have nothing to do with my missing child, they do. Why am I so edgy today? Oh yeah, Caleb would have been 6 months old today. I would have told him happy half a year birthday at his morning feeding and we would have been quietly, almost without noticing, celebrating the 6 months he was here. If he was like Logan he would have been crawling by now. If he was like Timothy he would be happy to stick to scooting for several months more. But I will never know what he is like on earth because he is not here.

I'm still sad. I still ache to hold my baby and my eyes fill with tears occasionally when I see babies that are about the age he would be. I guess it's similar to a physical wound. Generally it doesn't hurt so much but when something touches it then the pain is strong for a moment.

The good news is God is faithful. He has carried us through this and at the end of the storm there will be a rainbow.


The week that Caleb went to Heaven my sweet friend Johanna sent me an album through iTunes. That whole album (and "Where I find you"by Kari Jobe) has been very soothing for me. I pretty much played them nonstop for 2 months. The words to this song pretty much sum up how I feel and have felt since the beginning.

Under the wings of God
I will rest, and I will lie in wait
Watching the storm go by
From this shelter of His love and grace

His love is strong
And my hope is here, under the wings of God
Where I belong
And in His love I am safe

When the leaves begin to fall
From the trees of happiness and joy
When the season of sorrow comes
Like a frigid breeze over the frozen soil

His love is warm
And my hope is here under His blazing sun
Where I belong
In His love I am safe

When I am weak He is, He is stronger
When I am slipping He pulls me in close
When I am helpless He will defend me
He is with me wherever I go
Who is like Him? Awesome in power
Who is stronger? His strength has no end
If He is for me, who stands against me?
He will hold me safe in His hands

Thank you for those of you who pray for us and send notes and messages. They mean a lot to us. I love to hear how my baby boy's short life has impacted people. I will never get tired of talking about him so please don't hesitate to mention him to me. (if you want to) 

The silent treatment

The other night I was reading the proverbs to my kids before bed. Every night we (usually Jose actually, but I do it sometimes) read the proverb that corresponds with the date. It was July 17th so we read Proverbs 17. I know it's not earth shattering but it's a fun little thing we do that now we can never skip. If we try Timothy storms into our room 5 minutes after we say good-night saying "wead the Pwoverbs!" It's actually really funny.
Anyway this part stuck out to me.

I always joke that it's my life verse whenever people comment on how quiet I am. Truthfully, it's not my life verse but I do think of it a lot.
The thing about talking is it's easy. Most of us do it non stop from about a year old (or earlier) until we die. Because it's so easy, it's very easy to say things that we don't mean or we haven't thought through. Which is actually a part of the reason that I like writing. I can write out everything in my heart then look back over it and decide if what I wrote is really saying what I want to say. Even so I know I still make mistakes. That's life and a part of human nature. So I try to stick with the "less is more" mindset. (watch this be my longest post ever. lol)

I know it's easy to talk about other people with no bad intentions and then somewhere in there it turns into gossip. I have run into many situations where I realize I have gotten myself stuck on a runaway train and then I don't know what to do. I don't want to offend whoever I'm talking to but at the same time I know that the territory we have crossed into is inappropriate. Am I the only one this happens to? I kind of doubt it but I don't know. I used to just start panicking and whoever I was talking to would realize I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying and would ask if I was ok. While it did work it was a little embarrassing. So lately I've just starting using the honest approach. When I realize what I'm doing I just say. "I'm sorry, can we talk about something else?" or something along those lines. I've also used redirection. You know "Oh! speaking of Mary, Have you tried that new sushi place?" It might not even make sense but it works. (now if I'm ever talking to someone who reads this blog and do that they will know what I'm doing...maybe I should keep this a secret.)

Often things we say are a part of our culture and we don't even think about the actual meaning of what we are saying. There is a word here in Peru that people say all the time when there is a child crying or throwing a fit. The word is "Malcreada" which means "badly made" It's the equivalent of calling someone a brat in english. I've also heard some people say it about family members that don't call as often as the person speaking thinks they should. (Which bugs me in a different way. Phones work 2 ways. I will never understand why people get mad at others for not calling them when they are just as capable of calling but don't) I believe that there is power in the words you speak. I don't tell my children they ARE bad or Brats or anything like that. I tell them their behavior is bad. It's just a slight difference but imagine what a difference it makes. When you tell someone they are bad or mean or rude what do they take away from that? If you tell them they are acting mean or rude or behaving badly that gives them room to adjust their actions.

I have started telling my kids "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" as often as I think about it. I know that I have no control over what other people say to them. But when that person speaks to them I want them to have an overflowing store house of positive reinforcement. I want them to know that God made them just the way they are without hesitation or a second thought. He knew what he was doing and he made them just as they should be. Probably a year ago there was a movie in theaters called "the help" in that movie a maid would tell her charge everyday "you is good, you is kind, you is smart"  I loved that. (as did a lot of people from what I understand)

I could totally break out about 50 other verses from the bible about being careful about what you say. Almost all of Proverbs 18 talks about it and there are tons of other places. But I'm just going to leave it at this.

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches.But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. 

James 3:2-6

To Timothy

6 years ago today I went to my drs appointment not expecting to meet you for another 4 weeks. 

Little did I know you would be born about 2 hours later. 

Ever since then life has been an adventure and full of surprises.

You and I have a very special connection. 

I'm fairly certain it's because of all the hours I've spent praying about you. 

You have always danced to the beat of your own soundtrack and you often sing it to us.

Nobody else knows the words but that's ok, it's your song.

You are great at cheering me up and getting me to laugh when you are in trouble.

You love spending time with your family.

I love it that no matter what we are doing you want to be in the room with us.

You are just like your daddy. 

I love this picture because it shows how much you look alike. 

Sometimes you give me a glimpse of what he was like when he was your age.

I know that you will follow in his footsteps and be a great man one day. 

Timothy means Servant of God and Joseah means Fire of God.

You are already so full of faith that whenever you want something you pray for it until it happens.

You never doubt that God will do what you ask him to.

This year we lost your baby brother Caleb. 

You were really looking forward to having him here.

When we talked about it you asked if they have a bed for him in heaven.

You are so sweet and straightforward about everything. 

I love that you aren't shy about talking about Caleb. 

Logan is your best friend. You love him so much.
I love watching you follow him around and trying to be like him. Most of the time you guys go together like peanut butter and jelly. Other times...not so much. But I know you will always be there for each other.








One of your favorite things in the world right now
is movie credits. When we watch a movie you
always want to watch until the music is over and
the screen goes black on it's own. This is just one
of the ways you are uniquely you. Daddy and I
joke that one day you will be the guy who designs
movie credits. You already play at it with your
Jengas.
Some other things you really love are
Snoopy and Charlie Brown.
Happy Monsters
Pirates &
Chocolate.

Happy Birthday Timothy

You brighten up our lives in ways you can't imagine.

We love you!

Mommy & Daddy

life and times

Life has had many twists and turns the last few months.

Last Month we were able to have an important part of getting our visas done.

Hopefully at the end of June we will be able to go back to Lima and have them finalized.

Please pray that everything goes smoothly and we can get that out of the way!

Once that is done we will be able to get all the church paperwork taken care of 

which will help us in many ways. 

One of them being that we will be able to receive the land for the orphanage!

This is kind of what life feels like right now. 

A lot of pieces have come together but we are still waiting on the missing ones. 

 Our church is growing really quickly and is mostly full of new believers. We have outgrown our home already which is about 6 months sooner than we expected. Right now we are praying for a larger place to host our church and the provision for it

About half of the members of Powerhouse Peru

The next few months we have a lot of exciting things going on.

In June we have a vision campaign. We will be going into a neighborhood near us and providing free eye exams and glasses to 100 people that need them. 

In August we have a team from La Casa Del Padre in Lima and they will be helping us build houses.

The daughter of one of our members lost everything including one of her children in a fire a few months ago. We are trying to collect some items for her family and help them build a new home and fill it with some of the things they need. We will also be building a few other houses that weekend.

Every servolution outreach so far has been amazing! 

We always look forward to the next one with anticipation

In September we will be having our first ever Saving the Family conference. 

This is a huge undertaking and to be honest a little overwhelming. 

A team from Powerhouse Church in Katy will be coming to help us and we are so looking forward to the "family reunion" that will be, along with seeing what God does that week. 

We are really excited about some of the doors God has opened and people that will be speaking. 

Once we have everything finalized I will give some more details.  

If you are interested in coming with the team from Katy please let us know. 

We would love to have you!

In other news I turned 30 last month. It was a wonderful day. 

We started it in Lima and I was surprised with a breakfast party 

then we ended it by coming home to Piura and my ladies group surprised me with another party!

I can honestly say that is the first time I've had 2 parties in my honor in one day 

I want to offer my thanks to all of you that have supported us in this venture. 

We know God brought us here and the harvest was ready for us. 

It is hard work but we love it, and we couldn't do this without you. 

Every prayer and every dollar sent is hugely important to us. 

We love you guys!

Stoned

Picture this. God tells you to go tell everyone you can about Him. In one of the town's everyone starts trying to worship you because they think you are a God. Until some other guys come and turn all those people against you. Next thing you know all the people that were trying to worship you start throwing rocks at you. Not little rocks either. I'm talking, these people are killing you. Somehow they think you are dead and drag you out of town. Considering how they just "killed" you I imagine they weren't exactly gentle with the dragging. Pretty soon all your friends gather around you and you get up. Not only get up but go back into the town full of rock throwers. Spend the night and move on to the next town to tell other people about Jesus. Pretty ludicrous right? I mean I may be abnormally wimpy but if a group of people threw rocks at me I would get out of that town and never look back. If they did it to the point they thought I was dead, then dragged me out of town I'm fairly certain I wouldn't stand up and walk back into town. I'd whimper pathetically to my friends and ask them to carry me to the closest hospital as long as it's in a different town. I would probably take a few days, maybe a few weeks off. Inquire of the Lord if there was any other way I could minister for him. Maybe find a nice community of believers that would be interested in a new Pastor. One thing is sure I would be very hesitant to get back on that traveling circuit.
But that's not what Paul did. He got up and got back to work

  11 When the crowd saw what Paul had done, they shouted in their local dialect, “These men are gods in human form!” 12 They decided that Barnabas was the Greek god Zeus and that Paul was Hermes, since he was the chief speaker. 13 Now the temple of Zeus was located just outside the town. So the priest of the temple and the crowd brought bulls and wreaths of flowers to the town gates, and they prepared to offer sacrifices to the apostles.

14 But when the apostles Barnabas and Paul heard what was happening, they tore their clothing in dismay and ran out among the people, shouting, 15 “Friends, why are you doing this? We are merely human beings—just like you! We have come to bring you the Good News that you should turn from these worthless things and turn to the living God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. 16 In the past he permitted all the nations to go their own ways, 17 but he never left them without evidence of himself and his goodness. For instance, he sends you rain and good crops and gives you food and joyful hearts.” 18 But even with these words, Paul and Barnabas could scarcely restrain the people from sacrificing to them.

19 Then some Jews arrived from Antioch and Iconium and won the crowds to their side. They stoned Paul and dragged him out of town, thinking he was dead. 20 But as the believers gathered around him, he got up and went back into the town. The next day he left with Barnabas for Derbe.

Acts 14:14-20

These days stoning isn't quite as popular as it was back then. But from what I understand they didn't use river rocks or even those 4 inch rounded rocks that look nice in gardens. They used the biggest scariest looking rocks they could find and throw. Baseball rules did not apply here. You could use both hands to pick up a stone so those things had to be heavy. I'm thinking paving stones would be a good picture of what I'm talking about. Aside from the weight those things had plenty of jagged edges to cut into the skin as they made contact. I once fell off my bike on a gravel rode. (forethought was not my strong suit at the time) The impact gave me about a 6 inch bruise/cut on my leg. 20 years later I still have a scar. When I think about the way that looked and felt it gives me a little bit of an idea what Paul must have looked and felt like. Assuming he didn't actually die. My bible commentary says that many scholars believe Paul did die and the other believers gathered around him and prayed for him. Bringing him back to life. Either way. Dead or almost dead. What he went through was at the least physically painful. Most likely traumatizing (or it would be for me.) But did Paul quit? no. Did he run away? no. Did he even take a break? NO! 

Sometimes I read my bible and nothing really stands out to me. Other times 2 sentences make me stop and think. Examine what's going on and question my own life in contrast. I don't believe that it's wrong to take an occasional break or sabbatical as the case may be. But at the same time, we cant allow the attacks that come with obedience to God to stop us from doing what he called us to do. Sometimes attacks come from people, other times circumstances. Maybe your car broke down, maybe your parents disowned you. Maybe people think your crazy, maybe your sick, maybe your uncomfortable. Whatever it is that you are allowing to get you thinking about quitting. It's not worth it. Paul said this in Philippians 3:13-14

 but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

The heavenly prize is what is worth it. No matter what you are going through or how you feel. Press on toward the mark. Don't give up. Forget the past, keep moving forward. (yes, I stole that from "Meet the Robinsons") As I was writing this my computer froze and I had to restart it. I lost some of my work. I started to whine to myself about it and then I started laughing. Sometimes, I allow myself to get so caught up in what's happening right now that I start to feel sorry for myself and lose track of what I'm supposed to be doing. Even while I'm trying to write about how important it is to keep moving I almost gave up. Why am I sharing that? I mean I could let you all think that I have this part nailed. I'm talking about it because I've conquered it. But no. I'm working it out. I'm walking through each part of my faith everyday. I'm pressing on and looking forward to what lies ahead. What are you going to do?