Servolution.

A couple years ago Jose and I had the opportunity to hear Dino Rizzo speak at "The Remnant" conference in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He is the author of "Servolution" a book which sprang from something his church actually does. They go out and serve their community. Serving is very important to us and actually a part of how we met. So when Mr Rizzo was finished speaking Jose went up and told him "You wrote my book." Mr Rizzo responded "That's awesome, you should write one that's better than mine." Now our church here has become a part of Servolution. Every month (and sometimes twice a month) we go out into the community and do something nobody else here really does. These are the things we've been doing this month.

Refrescate! - Refresh yourself

Peru is south of the equator so Summer just ended for us and we have now entered into Autumn. The beginning of the year is the hottest time here. So we collected 1000 bottles of water, went to one of the busiest intersections in town and handed them out to everybody that wanted one. We gave ourselves 2 hours to run out. It only took us 30 minutes. Obviously this was a hit with the people of Piura. We saved 100 to give to the car washers and attendants at a local shopping center parking lot. The car washers pay 40 soles a day to work. Then they get to keep whatever they make. They make about 5 soles per car they wash and there are about 40 car washers all fighting to wash every car that comes into the lot. Even so not every person coming into the lot wants a car wash. You can imagine these people having to work so hard to make money don't really get to take breaks to go buy water. So they were really excited to get this water.

Operacion Utiles Escolar - Operation School Supplies

             Y                                      &

Operacion Mochila    -    Operation Backpack

This school is run by some local pastors. They felt the need for this school because these kids would have to cross a very busy street to get to the school the city provides. The year before the school began 21 kids died just trying to cross the street to go to school. It's a free private school so they work entirely off of outside donations. We were able to get a good portion of the school supplies donated from people in our church and local businesses. We also had 75 backpacks donated by 1 friend in Lima. In total we were able to bless 97 kids with their very own backpacks & bottle of water plus the school supplies I mentioned.

 

We have more things planned in the months to come. 

Please pray for us that God would continue to provide for these outreaches. 

Also the need for a van and possibly a truck has become increasingly apparent. (we rented the truck in the first photo set) Most of our church members don't have cars so we are just stuffing people wherever they fit and taking a few taxis. But some of the areas we are going to are really difficult to find taxis to come back. It would just be a huge burden lifted if we had a van big enough to fit about 18-20 people. So as you pray for us please put that on the top of your list. We need a van! 

Thank you so much for continuing to support us and lift us up in prayer!

You are a part of what we are doing here. We couldn't do it without you

Hero

It's important to be careful about who you allow to be a hero in your life. Humans are human and will make human choices. This is why no matter how much I admire someone I am very careful to say they are my hero. That said, one person I have always had as a hero in my life is a woman named Elisabeth Elliot. There are many reasons I have always looked up to her and yet I hadn't thought about it in a long time. I was reminded this week. In case you don't know who she is I'll tell you. She was a missionary in Ecuador and married to Jim Elliot. When their daughter was 10 months old Jim Elliot was killed by the very people he went to serve. This has made him a legend, and someone many people I know look up to. I look up to him too, but I think his wife Elisabeth is the real hero of the story. After he died she went to live in the village with the people that killed him for 2 years. I had forgotten that all this happened in Ecuador the country a few hours north of us. Which makes it even more personal and relatable to me. I have been places she has probably been. I don't know that I could have chosen to do what she did. I know now a similar grief from losing my son of natural causes. But I can't imagine how much more difficult it would be to continue living among and working with people that chose to murder my husband. She is a hero to me.

I was reminded of her story because I keep hearing allusions to and speculations that I will go home because of Caleb's death. So I just want to clear something up. When I was 13 years old God called me to missions. It took me 15 years to get here but here I am. His call has not changed. I can't think of anything worse than to walk away from my passion, my life work on top of losing my son. If there has ever been something I feel like I can be proud of about myself it's that no matter what has happened to me in my life I have never been one to give up.  I don't quit. 

I was looking at a bunch of quotes from Elisabeth Elliot and she said a couple things that stood out to me

“This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.” 

“Does it make sense to pray for guidance about the future if we are not obeying in the thing that lies before us today? How many momentous events in Scripture depended on one person's seemingly small act of obedience! Rest assured: Do what God tells you to do now, and, depend upon it, you will be shown what to do next.” 

“Faith's most severe tests come not when we see nothing, but when we see a stunning array of evidence that seems to prove our faith vain.”

“To be a follower of the Crucified means, sooner or later, a personal encounter with the cross. And the cross always entails loss.”

“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. It was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels” might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.”

I want to be like her. One thing I can say is I agree with her about everything. I'm still not happy about Caleb's death and I doubt I will ever be happy about it. But I know it was for my good. I know that God still has a plan for me and I will not allow the enemy to put this in his victory column. I am going to do as Paul said in Hebrews 12

 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.

I've said many times that I believe the safest place to be is in the center of God will. But I am going to expand that. The best place to be is in the center of God's will. It's better to be in the center of Gods will and in a 3rd world country than in the comforts of the United States. My life can be taken. My children's lives can be taken. It might be the hardest thing I ever have to do but until God tells me something different this is where I'm supposed to be.

When I die I wil answer to God for the choices I make. So I have chosen to follow him no matter where he leads me. No matter how hard that road is. No matter who disagrees or rejects me. 

Like a child

Caleb would have been three weeks old today. Three weeks sounds like such a short amount of time and yet it seems like a lifetime has passed for me in that time frame. I've discovered a lot about myself and my friends and family in the last 3 weeks. I've fallen deeper in love with my husband as I've watched him shoulder the burden of everything we've had to deal with. He has been amazing and I know even more now that God made him for me. I've discovered I'm stronger than I think I am in some ways and in other ways I'm much weaker than I hoped to be. I'm jealous...so, so jealous of every woman I see carrying a tiny baby. I'm annoyed by silly things. Things I shouldn't care about. Things that aren't even worth mentioning. I cry a lot...often with no notice...sometimes I don't even know what made me cry...except that my baby is gone. Sometimes I laugh. If tears were rain drops some days would be like a stormy day with the sun peeking out of the clouds from time to time. And some days would be sunny with scattered showers.

When we told the boys about Caleb dying Jose said that he went to be with Jesus. Logan's response was "aww, I want to be with Jesus too" Such a sweet response. I had been worried about how they would take it because they had been looking forward to having a baby in the house. To be honest I don't know if they fully understand but I think that is part of the beauty of how Logan responded. He doesn't understand but he doesn't really have to. Just like me. I don't understand but understanding wouldn't change my circumstances just what I know about them.

Today in school we read Mark 10. I know that it wasn't a mistake because so much of it spoke to me, where I am today. Verses 13-15 are recounting the parents trying to bring the children to see Jesus and the disciples stopping them. In 14-15 Jesus said something we've heard a million times "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it." So many times I've heard people preach on this and reference this and I thought I understood. I didn't.

In my adultness, I'm jealous of other women who got to keep their babies here, and God who is with my baby. In Logan's childishness he is jealous of Caleb because he got to be with Jesus first. He is excited about Jesus and Heaven in a way I hope to be. He is looking forward to it in a tangible way and often tells me "I wish I could SEE Jesus" or "mommy, when will I get to go to Heaven?" Even before Caleb was born he would say these things. That is why the Kingdom of God belongs to him. It's not near as complicated as I thought. He believes it, accepts it and is excited about it. That's how I want to be. Like a child.

Caleb Elijah Lopez

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write in my entire life. I want to write it and at the same time I don't. Even as I sit here trying to write my heart aches thinking of where I was at exactly this moment last week longing to be there instead of here.

A week. How can it already have been a week? I've thought a million times what I'm going to write here and how I'm going to begin and what order I'll put it in and I think I've been so afraid to come back here...so afraid of...of leaving something out...of attaching simple words to an event that is so far from simple, it might just not be possible. I don't know how it's going to come or if it will make sense, but I'm just going to write.

I already had 2 sons. Thinking I was going to have a little girl was an adjustment but I was happy. We scheduled the c-section for February 1st because I liked that the baby's birthday would be 2.1.12 and here in Peru it would be written 1.2.12 things like that make me happy. There had been complications as I've mentioned here but we were praying for the baby to make it. The hospital had us check in the night before because my surgery was scheduled at 8am. I was so nervous I barely slept and I prayed all night. 

At 6am the nurse came in and told me to take a shower. She told Jose he needed to have baby shampoo and some other things that we didn't think to bring with us so he had to go to the store. But no stores were open so he waited until 7:30. The nurses came for me minutes after he left. My spanish is not very good and I needed Jose with me so I kept saying "Yo necesito mi esposo. Espere POR FAVOR" (my way of saying "I need my husband. wait PLEASE") they just kept telling me he went to the store and would be back soon. They prepped me and gave me an epidural. I was strapped to a table and I heard the nurses saying something about my husband wanting to come in and how weird it was and I started crying. A different nurse came over and tried to comfort me. I just said my little spanish phrase a few times and finally she said "he's coming we won't start without him here." When they let Jose in he told me they just had him wait until everything was ready.  

We knew that girl was just a guess, but it was still a surprise when the Dr said "baronsito!" (little boy) And I was so happy. Sure we didn't have any boy stuff but I didn't realize just how much I wanted another boy until that moment. When the nurse held him up to me to see I wanted so badly to hold him and kiss him and tell him how I loved him. But they needed to get him into an incubator and run tests. I knew that would happen long before he was born. Everything is fuzzy after that. I remember Jose saying "Caleb Elijah it is!" I heard my Dr say that I had no amniotic fluid, and I remember praying that Caleb and I would be ok. 

They took me to a recovery room and I was there for what seemed like days. I kept begging the girl to let me see my husband and my baby and they finally took me upstairs but me and caleb both had to stay where we were, separated. When I got to my room Jose told me Caleb's colon was not fully developed and he needed surgery. They were running tests to see what needed to be done. Most likely he would need a colostomy. We waited and waited to find out what was going to happen. I asked Jose to take a picture of him so I could at least see him and he did. Finally the dr confirmed he would need a colostomy and hopefully by 6-9 months we could reverse it and he would be fine. His surgery ended up being around 9 pm and we could do nothing but wait. Jose kept checking on him but there was no news. Finally they told us he had come through surgery fine and it was successful. 

Thursday morning Caleb's Dr told us he had stopped breathing when they took him off the oxygen at 4am. They were able to get him breathing again with the oxygen tubes and they said that sometimes that happens with babies that young. They have trouble getting used to breathing on their own. I was determined to see him so I got out of bed as soon as I could. The pain was horrible. I don't remember ever hurting as badly as I did after this c-section. I kept asking to see him and they were barely letting Jose. Finally after Jose had asked again and again they said I could come down.   

He looked just as I imagined him, like his brothers. With a full head of black hair and light skin like me. Logan and Timothy had both been big 9.6 and 7.12 lbs respectively. Both of them were 21 1/2 inches long. Caleb was 5.5 lb and 17 inches long. He was so small yet he looked substantial. His legs were very short and skinny but he had broad shoulders so we called him our little football player. He looked like he had shoulder pads on. He was so beautiful and I cried. I sobbed actually. I had prayed for him for 4 years and here we was. I thought I was going to lose him but I didn't. He was a miracle. He survived when the Dr said I was having a miscarriage. I thought if he could just make it to term everything would be ok. 

While we were with him we noticed his oxygen saturation level was only at 50% the dr told Jose a bunch of stuff and when we were talking about it I asked Jose if they thought he was going to die, he didn't know. Every time they talked to us they mentioned one more thing that was a cause for concern. God was preparing me but I didn't want to believe it. 

One hour after I left Caleb he left us. Just like that. He stopped breathing and this time they couldn't get him to start again. 6 pm. 33 hours and 5 minutes. That's how long caleb was here. I've heard people say that having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body. You can't control what happens to it but everything that does happen feels like it's happening to you. It's true but how do you explain the way you feel when that piece of your heart dies? I know he's in heaven and given the choice to stay there or come to me he would stay. I'm not mad at God but I'm jealous. He gets to know my baby and I don't. I know it's his plan and theres a reason for it. But it still hurts. I still have moments where I feel like I can't go on. That the pain of losing him is more than I can take. That I will never be ok. But then I have moments where peace comes in like a flood. Gods presence is tangible. I know he is with me and he is comforting me. Even while I grieve he is comforting me. I'm not eloquent enough to explain any of this really. This is just the way it is. 

The next couple days were filled with doing things we never would have thought we would have to do. Thinking about things we never would have thought we would have to think about. Reliving a moment I never wanted to live. Jose wrote this to our Pastor and it sums up how I feel as well. 

"Every step of my walk of faith he has stretched me.  Every step I knew is one for something bigger.  Every step has come at a higher cost but also a higher reward.  I can only imagine what this time of trial will bring to my life.  I knew when he called me, that I being a soldier, am willing to die.  I know that I am not afraid to die now if you ask me to, but it came at a higher price to ask my son to die.  how great a sacrifice can I be identified with than the one that sent his son to die for us.  God will get the Glory in Caleb's life and he will get it through my life.  All this does it gets me more angry at the devil for tempting me with denying Christ and provoking me to fear and not faith."    

3 days after Caleb died we had Sunday service. All we did was worship and Jose gave a short word of testimony about Caleb and an invitation to have a relationship with God. The house was packed. We had 32 people in our living room and 6 of them raised their hands and answered the invitation. It was a beautiful way to celebrate my sons life. 6 people's lives have been changed because of my son's short life. Thousands of people have heard Caleb's story and prayed for him and us. People that didn't know us or each other all came together on our behalf because of Caleb. I can't say that I would have chosen this. I can't say that I'm glad this happened. But I know it was worth it. 

Caleb will always be my son. I will always carry him in my heart. His life as short as it was had an eternal impact and I'm grateful for that. I thank God for giving him to me even for the short time that I had him. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD."
Jeremiah 29:11-14a

While I was pregnant God gave me this passage. I thought it was for the baby. After He died I asked God why he would give me that passage when clearly it didn't apply. But it wasn't for Caleb. It was for me. To carry me. He knew this would happen. He knew why it would happen. It was for my good. I have a future and a hope. When I pray he listens. I will find Him.
In everything I will find Him.

I want to remember

It has been a crazy 5 months since we moved to Piura. In some ways I feel like we have been here forever. A lot has happened in our lives and with our church. Last Sunday we had 17 people in church! That is huge for us. Especially considering we didn't know any of those people 5 months ago.
We are really excited about several things we are working on right now and I wanted to share them so you can pray for us as we move forward.

As of last week week I started a women's group. I had 3 people (not counting me) on our first night and 9 on the second. I believe there are a lot of women that will want to be involved. We are going over the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge. If you've never heard of it or read it I highly recommend it. (It is one of my all time favorite Christian books) The main thing I need prayer for here is that we can find a girl to interpret at these meetings. Jose has been doing it and while I like having him around I think there will be more openness with just women present.

In February we are having our second outreach as a church. "Operación Mochila" or Operation Backpack. We will go back into the same area we went to for Christmas and hand out *hopefully* 100 backpacks with school supplies inside. As far as we know this is totally original here. And just in case you think our timing is strange the school year begins in March.
Our goal after this is to have a monthly kids club so that we can build relationships with the kids/families in the same area. We will go in on a Saturday every month and have a Jesus centered fun time with the kids. As our team grows we hope to either go more often or spread out and bring the same idea to different areas of town
We are planning more outreaches either monthly or bi-monthly and I will share about those as we get closer to them.


*****

I'm 2 weeks away from my due date with this pregnancy. I have been pregnant for 38 weeks or 9 1/2 months (the way pregnancy is measured each month is 4 weeks so you end up saying you took 10 months total...yes, it's very confusing) This honestly has seemed like a very fast pregnancy and I 'm probably one of the only pregnant women ever who kind of wishes it would last longer. I would just ask that I not have to have contractions or heart burn. Those are the absolute worst part of being pregnant at this point. That and I miss Sushi. But we don't have that here in Piura anyway so it's not much of an issue right now.

The first picture lost it's caption in the process of putting these together but I'm 6 weeks pregnant in it. 

This pregnancy has been a huge trial of my faith. I know I talked about it a little here I'm just going to expand on it a little so I don't forget. Every time we have seen the Dr he has found another problem or concern. Lately there is some dilation in what he thinks is her kidneys and her head is measuring right on target but her abdomen and femur are several weeks smaller than they should be. I was put on bed rest the week before Christmas because my body was trying to go into labor and and I was only 33 weeks. I have so little amniotic fluid that even if my water did break I probably wouldn't notice. All of these things are cause for concern and make my Dr frown quite a bit. The papers they send home with me start with the statement "unique pregnancy." I know that God is taking care of me and the baby and even the fact that we've made it this far is a miracle. But that doesn't mean I haven't freaked out quite a bit. I'm actually embarrassed how many times I've started crying while listening to my Dr talk. He must think I'm the worlds most emotional woman. I want to remember this feeling though. When she is 9 months old if I'm struggling to get her to sleep through the night I want to remember that it's a miracle she's here. That I couldn't sleep through the night a year before because the Dr thought she wouldn't make it. When she's 3 years old if I can't get her to listen or be still I want to remember that 4 years before I wasn't listening to God or being still. I was all over the place emotionally. When she's a teenager and doesn't trust me or believe I know what I'm doing I don't want to be mad at her. I want to remember that when I was 29 I had a hard time trusting the one who made me and her. I need to remember these things for so many reasons but mostly because I want to always treasure the gift that God has given me in this baby and in the things he has taught me while I've carried her.

*****

The other day we did show and tell as a part of school. Both of the boys got very excited. I told them that I wanted them to bring something that is special to them and tell me why they like it.
Logan's was his playmobil Nativity set. In telling me about it he said "I like this because it's a very special birthday. It was Jesus birthday. Something very important to know is Jesus is the son of GOD! That is why this is special to me. Thank you." (I was pretty impressed with his presentation considering it was his first show and tell ever)
Timothy brought his bag full of jenga's (He has like 3 sets of the game that he uses as blocks. This is by far his favorite toy in the world) He held the bag up as high as he could and said "I have jenga's! all together they make credits, and castles, and special features. I play with JENGA'S! OK!" While Timothy didn't really have the poise Logan did he did understand and completed the assignment which is a win in my book. I never want to forget their first show and tell.

Timothy playing with Jenga's

*****

Recently Timothy watched a movie that had a couple of kids running a lemonade stand. Ever since then he has been wanting to do one. We talked about setting one up in our yard and letting him sell us lemonade but had not had a chance to do it yet. So the other day Jose told me that while some of his guys were over they were talking out in the yard and Timothy set up a chocolate milk stand. We had a pitcher of chocolate milk already made so Timothy took a table and chair to our yard. Set out cups, the chocolate milk and his piggy bank. He sat there waiting for someone to buy a glass of chocolate milk for a while. I'm pretty sure he didn't make any sales but we did run out of chocolate milk. He's not one to let good chocolate anything sit untouched for long. I wish I had seen it, but just hearing the story makes me smile. He's a funny kid.